Beef Bagel

It’s just after 2am and I’m still rammed with salt beef. If you opened my mouth you could probably see the pinky ends of the meat fibres poking up in front of my soft palate. I nearly choked on a piece as I sat munching on my third mustard-laden sandwich. “Oh my God,” I thought for a second gasping through beef juice bubbles, “what a way for The Bagel to check out. I’m about to die a comedy death!” Fortunately, it was more my over-developed sense of the dramatic than a life-threatening incident of meat inhalation.

So here I am, alive, full and ready to discuss the details of a few of the strikers tipped to pick up where Sergei Bent and the Little Yiddo haven’t and didn’t quite take off. The name on everyone’s lips this week is Sevilla from Brasilia, Luis Fabiano. He’s actually from Campinas, nowhere near Brasilia but it also sounds nowhere near as good. Luis Fabiano Clemente, as his full name goes, is in his footballing peak at 27 years old and has picked up a healthy strike rate in his two years at Sevilla with a goal every other game. He’s 6′ tall and makes a strong enough target at over 13 stone. Here’s his head…

…getting a little treat from John Terry much to shock of Luis, ourselves and the rather stunned looking Chelsea faithful behind. So that’s how you defend in Europe.

When not getting “noshed off the ball”, as they refer to it on the Continent, Fabiano seems pretty well composed, shows a definite eye for goal, the slight arrogance to back it up, the movement and awareness to get into the right positions and a touch of athleticism too. Take a look…

None of the strikes are that spectacular - although some of the build-ups are fantastic - but then maybe that’s the point. He’s a poacher and, with a total of 193 goals out of 345 appearances, the stats would appear to agree.

Now there is another side to Mr Clemente, or Mr Hyde as it turns out. During a cup game in Brazil, while playing for Sao Paulo, Fabiano ran up behind an opposition player and studded him in the back of the neck. Don’t believe me?

Doesn’t exactly wreak of the kind of player we cherish at Spurs but could come in useful during the North London derby.

Now, you may be thinking, “Well, 2003 that’s a few years ago. Maybe the lad’s learned his lesson.” Well, apparently not. No studs to the neck this time but Luis had what can only be described as handbags with intent…

A nice tidy right to start things off but an excellent example of “windmilling in” is ever I’ve seen one. You could find it in the dictionary. But if you think you’ve just seen the most pathetic fight in sports history, think again…

…yes, there’s nothing more lethal than scrawny, tired cyclist. But enough of the You’ve Been Framed. I’m not Lisa Reily and you’re not a bunch of twats.

So, do we want this brawling, bad tempered poacher? Possibly not. Does he want us? Well, possibly. More to the point is that he may well be looking for a move away from Sevilla after his wife and daughters were threatened at their home by a man with a gun, possibly a Newcastle scout. Fabiano said:

“My family is not thinking of staying in Seville at the moment. I am trying to speak to them and see if they can change their mind, but it is not easy.”

“I have to speak about that issue with my wife and daughters that are very shocked. I will try to do the best I can with the family and then to see what Sevilla have in mind.”

“We spoke once but did not reach any agreement. Things are not going very well.”

So, naturally the good name of Spurs is linked with the striker’s with Ramos his ex-boss and I suppose London is marginally safer than Spain. At the least, the nature of our crime seems to be gang related so unless the Fabiano girls are running a sherbert dib-dab racket, then it could well be for the best. One piece of advice though Luis - don’t move to Liverpool.

The other option, much nattered about on forums across the land a few months back now, is another Brazilian - this time Lyon’s exotically named Fred. Before Christmas, the French club were willing to let the striker but unfortunately, Fred has since impressed and the Ligue 1 leaders are set to open talks over a new contract. Lyon chairman Jean-Michel Aulas, said:

“I hope I will offer him to stay. Fred is going to be our front man in the absence of Karim Benzema,”

…and if Manchester United have anything to do with it, that absence is going to be very long indeed. I think we can kiss this option goodbye.

One question: who threw the first bagel?

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 26th, 2008 at 7:16 am and is filed under Transfer News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.