Beef Bagel

Little Aaron Lennon knew he was in for a tough test when he was sent out to take on the entire Israeli national team on his own. But the 11 against one odds were just too stacked in the favour our winger. So being the good sport that he is, the greased lightening pace gnome thought it only fair to play himself out of position.

For much of the 90 minutes the ball seemed to bounce around the field with neither Team Aaron or the Israel XI involved in the game, as if there were some sort of useless, time wasting, ghost team on the field. Then Little Aaron would get the ball, beat most of the time side and much to every Lennon fan’s dismay, cross the ball in for nobody to convert. It was as if he too was affected by the apparitions in the stadium that night.

It was a valiant effort by the express dwarf but the he still did not manage to get away with the points. Perhaps this will teach Little Aaron not to play people out of position.

I’m thinking of declaring The Bakery an independent state. Then I can take on Team Lennon and have a very good chance at winning. After all there are no easy games in international football.

Now, I’m sure The Bagel promised you more transfers than you can shake a French Stick at, so, that my friends is precisely where we shall focus today.

Word has it there’s a new Lennon at Leeds. Unfortunately, it’s just word that has it and as yet there is no available footage of the young striker by the name of Tom Elliot. Tom is a tender 16 but has made a couple of appearances for the senior side as well as being named in the England U17 squad going to the Algarve for this year’s European Championships. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Bit of sun, bit of football.

All we do know about young Tom is that he’s 5′10″ and 11 stone. Hang on, I think I’ve found his head…

…looking most unready for the Premiership. I’m not convinced he’s shaving yet and if he is he’s probably referring to his girlfriend.

I’ve just read in the last five minutes that Elliot is now 6′3″. My they do shoot up at that age. Well, God knows. Two feet tall or Peter Crouch, the kid is rated and rated highly. The fans don’t want to let him go and it’s unlikely that the club do either but with Leeds the bottom feeders of the Championship pelagory, they may just take what they can get to scrape up a few precious pounds to buy a cup of rice, with which to feed their players. Poor old Leeds.

Keep ‘em peeled for this kid and maybe we’ll have a better idea of what he can do and how big his head actually is.

As it happens, the real Peter crouch was reportedly offered to Spurs in the last few days…in a swap deal for Dimitar the Great. Yeah.

Funnily enough the deal was rejected, probably as soon as MJ could stem the flow of tears and repair his split sides. We should bare in mind though that this story comes from the bastion of bonafide stories, the Sunday Express with their blind knight and his cotton bud accidentally picked up that morning thinking it was rusty sword of truth. Would we want Crouch? The Bagel says yes. In exchange for Berbatov? The Bagel says no.

The man we would want to swap him for is of course Mido, although it may be Benitez’s turn to slap his thighs on mention of that one. Mido himself has been in the papers talking most refreshing openly about his future plans:

“I will sit down with Martin Jol at the end of the season to discuss all possibilities. I have two good offers from Manchester City and Celta Vigo. PSV Eindhoven coach Ronald Koeman also phoned me to express his interest.”

PSV? I’ll bet Koeman meant to call for a pizza and then realised he had to make conversation, “Err…..um…yeah….How’sh it going at…er….Tottenham?”

I don’t think any of us will be too upset by the departure of Hossam the Wonder Horse. He’s done the job from time to time but we want someone who does that job better. By all means MJ, let him go but provided we find some better cover.

Now, there’s a lot flying around today suggesting that Andy Johnson is that man and after Saturday’s display, I can’t say I’m too keen and more to the point I just don’t like him. I wouldn’t call him a diver. I don’t think he is but he does go down far too easily. He sticks his head down and runs short bull-like into the box, waits for something slightly heavier than a hand on his back and takes a tumble. This is not really want I want to see at Spurs.

He’s a decent striker. He can run fast and hit the ball well but he’s got no style, no finesse. He wouldn’t look right in the shirt. I could see him working as a replacement for the Little Yiddo and actually, thinking back he was excellent against us at WHL earlier in the season but I just don’t like him.

He’s on £25,000 a week (oh, to be a footballer for a week) and rumour has it the little slaphead wants more. Some have said that he’s our number one target next window, God help us and I’m sure we could match his salary demands and probably then some, particularly with the further hike in season ticket prices that was announced last week. Yipee.

Would it ever be possible for the fans to go on strike and simply refuse to buy tickets for a game in protest of this continual rise? One problem would be the automatic, cup guarantee ticket scheme, which, if you don’t know, buys the tickets on your behalf for every extra home cup fixture. More on this another time. As for Johnson, well, I’m sure he’d work out fine but I’d rather have someone else like…

…Miroslav Klose (good first name). As a previous World Cup Golden Boot winner, I think we can safely say that the 28-year-old is a recognised striker. At 6 foot tall, he’s a far better replacement for Mido and a snip at a reputed £5m. The Polish born Germany international looks set to leave Werder Bremen with big boys Bayern no chance of a look in. He’s said:

“I’m 28 years old now, and I want to get other experience by playing outside Bundesliga”

The problem is that statements like this get more than just the Tottenham wallets twitching. Man U and the scummers are said to be interested and doubtless Rat Face Roeder will think he stands a realistic chance too. United are United but perhaps the ace we have is the fact that another forma Bundesliga star is making himself a very nice home indeed at our lovely, friendly club. Step into the light Miroslav, step into the light.

So what else can the man they call King Knall (no idea) do other than head goals in the World Cup. Let’s all watch with Bagel…

That’s some good poaching. Big thumbs up from The Bagel.

Klose also has the reputation of being a very fair player. In one instance he even got a referee to reverse a penalty he had been awarded after telling the official that the keeper’s tackle had been a good one; quite some distance from the Jenga-like Johnson.

Oh, and one more thing. Here’s his head…

…at one with the Spurs.

Another big man option is the unfortunate Dean Ashton, who had been looking so good before deciding to fake a variety of broken limbs in order to get out of his West Ham contract. The 23-year-old has, of course, not played a single game all season, contributing in no small way to the Hammers’ most likely demise. I like him already. Here’s his head…

…leaving Reina’s eyes stinging after pungent wafting in last year’s Cup Final.

At 6′2″ and over 12 stone his physical presence is obviously his number one commodity but it was his skill with both feet that we were all impressed with over the second half of last season’s campaign on his move into the Premiership. Let’s see if we’ve got a little of that…

Ashton has no desire to go back to the Championship with West Ham and at the moment it looks like ourselves or Newcastle with the Geordies having the edge. He’s a good player but I’m not too fussed if he slips through our net. There’s always David Nugent who appears to be the non-injured, younger version of the same player. He’ll do just fine.

As for the left sided option, the name “Harry Kewell” is once again doing the rounds, no doubt thanks to that shifty agent of his, so often standing quietly behind the handshake, clutching a combination black briefcase. Harry’s questionable form and permanent injuries make him a worse bet than a sex scandal involving Cliff Richard, so OAP Bolton, Man City and ourselves are designing some “pay as you play” schemes for the Liverpool man, now around tenth in line to a game and at 28 years old, I reckon Kewell will take whatever he can get. The question is, will we have taken someone better by then?

One such option 10 years his junior and well…better is little Portuguese winger Nani (silly name). He’s the latest product of the world famous Sporting Lisbon youth system and is ready to set the world on fire Cristiano Ronaldo style. Here’s his head…

…playing anti gravity football and here he is in motion showing us what he can do with his feet…

That’s not the most electrifying montage I’ve ever seen but when you look closer at his control and footwork you can see that tell tale comfortable genius that is the hallmark of so many of these special players.

Understandably, Sporting have signed him up til 2010 but with a reputed buy-out clause of a cool £17m. Naturally, most teams across Europe are prepared to wrench out their own eye teeth for him, sans anesthetic and the kid will probably go for Man U or Inter amongst those on their knees proffering their bloodied ivories. One never knows though. He may opt for the Spurs. Somehow I can’t see us obliterating our transfer record for him but then maybe that’s what this latest rise in season ticket prices is all about.

So there we have it. Transfer I promised, transfers you got. Enjoy.

Woof-woof, I’m a bagel.

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 26th, 2007 at 1:56 pm and is filed under Transfer News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.