Beef Bagel

Right, where were we? Ah yes, smack in the middle of the transfer window with more rumours to discuss than you can shake a stick at, two sticks probably, maybe even a whole tree.

The most important one, which I didn’t get round to yesterday was that of a possible swap with Chelsea; Defoe for Shaun Philips. Anyone fancy that one? Nope? Didn’t think so. The kid’s obviously good but we’ve got the Little Yiddo playing somewhere near where we want him and he’s far too much to give away for a player we’re about to ask to play out of position. Besides, we’d still be left one short of that trio of danger midgets.

Without Jermain, we’d only have two grade A strikers to rely on and I don’t fancy the chances of keeping them both fit for long. What this deal would do though, would be to open up the option of drafting another player in, which as tipped off by the Honourable Gentleman, Toby The Yid, could be where all this business of Darren Bent comes in. He’s not nearly short enough at 5′11″ to complete the dwarvish triangle but the man can certainly stick them away and that’s only with support as good as Charlton can supply. He’s a strong enough lad, carrying 11 stones and half as many pounds on him too. Just in case you’ve not taken the time to look, here’s his head…

…getting one potato, two potato a little mixed up with Joe Cole, surprise, surprise. One and one is two, Joe. Keep working on it.

I’d hate to see the Little Yiddo go at the expense of Bent but that’s only through sentimentality. I love Jermain and after that fantastic away trip to the Valley last year, Darren Bent will always be ‘Wanker’ to me. If you didn’t make it that day, I think it was the best away game I’ve ever done. We came behind from 2 down to take the points 2-3. After the England U21 had scored his second, he had the gall to celebrate in our faces. Stuck for much to say we replied by pointing and shouting, ‘Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!’ Not too clever but it did the job. Personally, I think, ‘You’re Bent and you know you are!’ would’ve have been a touch classier but it didn’t matter.

Once we took the lead, courtesy of a Robbie Keane strike, the chant focused on our new found friend became, ‘Wanker, what’s the score? Wanker, wanker what’s the score?’ Shortly after, he was subbed, much to our delight, so we made sure we gave him a good send off with, ‘Bye, bye wanker, bye bye wanker!’ Ah, winning away. Those were the days.

Anyways, I’m sure I’d get over that problem as soon as he slotted his first in a Lilywhite shirt, the question is, would he? I’m sure he’d remember that game and not be too fond of our club as a result. How much do these things stick in a player’s craw?

But, I’ll bet my bottom dollar, which is convenient because I’m pretty much down to it at the moment, that he goes elsewhere if anywhere at all. The ‘will he, won’t he’ on Pardew’s decision to sell the striker is unprecedented as far as my experience is concerned. The reports on both sides are pretty much balanced. Some say we’ve already gone in to the tune of £7m, some that Pardew’s after £18m, others that he’ll be fit in 2 weeks, some that it’ll be more like five but more than anything are the regular links between him and just about all clubs minus our neighbours from hell. Don’t expect anything involving us on this deal. ‘Bye bye wanker, bye bye wanker.’

Another rumour that makes The Bagel feel even dirtier and I’m loathed to write it, is the one linking us to Freddy Ljungberg. Having spent season upon season shouting, ‘Freddy, you fucking iron!’ at the scumhead, it feels horribly conflicted to say, ‘actually that’s not too bad an idea’ and by the way, I wasn’t talking about him being a Hammers fan. Just like dirtface Pires a few months before him, the pants model and part time winger has been told by the Paedo that he’s surplus to requirements, which is Wenger code for, ‘You’re just not tight enough anymore.’

I really hate to discuss this objectively but he’s a pretty good player and not past it at 29. He’s by no means an answer on a permanent basis but as squad player, he’d do a better job than Murphy. There’s no way I’m putting his head on this site. I couldn’t soil this hallowed ground in that way and what’s more I wouldn’t want all of you guys to have to buy new hardware as the vomit, that would no doubt project from your disgusted stomachs, drips down your terminal screens and into the open vents of your computers soon to short circuit as a direct result of the hideous image.

The transfer would be fairly cheap up front but the fashion conscious Swede’s wage demands are a ludicrous £75,000. Who the hell does he think he is? We’d never match those kind of desires but I know a club with a new found fortune that would. He wont be coming to us, I really hope not anyway but he may be headed east and if not he’s a friend or two in Spain, with whom I’m sure he’d be glad to be reunited.

Now, excuse me while I cleanse in liquid nitrogen before continuing this post.

I seem to hve lost a fngers and neary a testicl in the proces but trst me, it ws worth it. Right, prosthetics acquired, I can carry on.

A far more savoury wing option is Kilmarnock’s attacking midfielder, Steven Naismith. Last season’s Scottish Young Player of The Year, was asked to train with our lads after a day or two with the scum, presumably to highlight the benefit of playing for a club that it isn’t full of toss pots. Apparently at the time, which was back in August, the 20 year old felt it would be inappropriate. Translate that as, ‘I’d love to Martin but having spent two days “training” with Wenger, I simply can’t run.’ His mother picked him up from the station with an ice pack, a stack of Beano comics and a very sympathetic ear.

Stevie, who’s been nicknamed ‘The Milkybar Kid’, presumably because he’s blonde but then at 5′9″ and a sturdy 11.5 stone, it may be because he’s tough and strong. Take a look for yourself. Here’s his head…

…actually, you can kind of see why.

So, the real question is can he play? Well, until our man in the Scottish field, Oog, can tell us more, let’s see what the Tube has to say…

…well, impressive goal but then the opposition is a little…well…Scottish.

Rangers are reportedly rather keen on this U21 international but an offer from the Spurs could turn the guy’s head.

One young winger, who’s future is certain is the man himself, Little Aaron Lennon. Yes, joy of joys, the loveable speed gnome has signed his life to our wonderful club for a full five and a half years until 2012, when no doubt my wife, whom I’m yet to even meet, will be giving birth to our first son, whose destiny is to be managed by double winning team of Teddy Sheringham and Stefan Freund.

“I’m feeling really settled here and I’m thoroughly enjoying my football.

“There is a terrific spirit in the squad and we have everything to play for this season.”

So says the fastest legs in the west as he allays any fears we may have had. Nice. By the way have you checked out that ad Sky are running with Little Aaron’s goal against Chelsea? Makes me smile every time.

Another word or two that brings a grin to The Bagel’s bready buns is Pascal Chimbonda. Fantastic player, I think we’ll all agree and it seems we’re not alone. Didier Deschamps has made a move our first choice full back and I can only imagine the two words he must have received back on the single page fax from WHL. Pretty sure the second one was ‘OFF!’ Sorry Didier but the Grand Old Lady doesn’t have quite her appeal since the scaring from last summer’s tribunal. Dream on.

And now I’m going to get all youth on your arse and be careful if you’re going to repeat that to anybody. There’s two young French midlfielders that our sporting director has clearly had some contact with and let’s see if we can do them both at the same time. Again, I don’t quite mean that the way it sounds.

Their names are Sami Nasri of Marseilles and Fabien Camus of Charleroi and they’re 19 and 21 years old respectively. They’ve a combined height of 11′9″ shared pretty much evenly and a total scale tipping of 22.3 stone with the pounds in the favour of the shorter man, Nasri. Here are their heads…

…Sami’s as it sprang from life from the body of Ricardo Gardner and Fabien’s…

…looking like a really depressed Ossie Ardiles.

The latter will cost around £2.5m. The other can do this…

…and will cost a whole lot more.

Apparently, Nasri has no intention of leaving Marseilles just yet and is contracted until 2009. The strange thing is that it’s only City and ourselves who are interested, suggesting perhaps the music in that montage makes him look a little better than he is or that the fop four’s scouts spend to much time in the bordellos rather than the stadia of France. I guess we’ll find out nearer his contract D-Day.

To finish up on the kids, (Yeah…really got to watch my words) Gareth Bale is refusing to sign even a one year extension at Southampton, so expect a little swappery pokery with us or United or us and United with perhaps Heinze. We’ve sent out 19 year old midfielder Stuart Lewis (?) on trial to Southend and in our goalless reserve friendly at Norwich, the two new lads Alnwick and Taarabt looked ok and both Pekhart and Dorian Dervitte took a battering with the latter’s looking a little more permanent. Not too good considering a potential centre half shortage.
On a slightly older front, reports have it that we’ve had a £500,000 offer for Sylvain Dustbin turned down and now Edgar D’s been offered to Everton on loan, which is fine by me, assuming they’ll be picking up his wages.

Right enough. More to follow. As if there wouldn’t be.

Bagel, what’s the score? Bagel, Bagel what’s the score?

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 10th, 2007 at 2:19 am and is filed under Transfer News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.