As an Irishman, I do, of course, live in the shadow of the Great Keano. We all do. It is very hard for me to forget the legend that it is, which is why you may have also seen me linked with Jermain Defoe as I’ve heard he may have touched him once.

I will do my best to leave both strikers alone out of respect but trust me, you’d be out of your mind too if you had to watch Baros and Juan Pablo Guy Smiley train every day. I am considering harri karri with my Robbie Keane signed corner flag.

Yours sincerely,
The Ba…er…Martin O’Neil.

P.S. Love to the missus.

Please forget any ideas involving Robbie Keane,

T theYid esq.