Beef Bagel

Didn’t the clocks just go back? I haven’t missed Christmas have I? Maybe I have. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t heard from my family in weeks? No, that can’t be right. I’d have been to a Boxing Day match.

Bonfire night! That can’t have happened yet? I’ve only just been pestered by trick or treaters. I remember their confused little faces as I handed them two platted loaves and a sesame bun. I recall it like it was yesterday. It was yesterday. So, I’m right. It’s not January yet. Then, why is everyone in the football world acting like it is? Admitedly, it’s a far cheerier subject than trawling through the ‘why’s’ of last weekends game, mostly as there are no ‘because’s’. So ladies and gentleman, girls and bagels, I bring you part two of the transfer catch up and a lot more besides, you lucky, lucky people.

Straight off the bat is the coup of the day, well technically late yesterday, and that’s that we’ve actually signed someone. Alexander Olsen (remember him?) has reportedly joined the youth ranks of the Yid Army, the Yidlings, or will be doing so when that transfer window is unlatched once more and like Pandora’s Box but with an altogether frostier January draft, we wait to see who or what comes through into our world, if only Hope.

Alexander, who has seemingly dropped the ‘Dag’, possibly on The Bagel’s suggestion, has been courted by everyone from Bayern to Barca and Chelsea to Colchester (possibly not) but it’s the Champions of youth football who’ve snapped him up and all for the pocket change sum of £80,000. Isn’t that the footballing equivalent of two fizzy cola bottles and a flying saucer? What a bargain! Even if he’s rubbish we’ll make money on him. We managed to get 2 million for Rasiak for God’s sake.

It’s all a bit strange though, as everyone seems to know about it except the club and the player in question. There’s nothing on the official site and no quote from the very young striker himself but his current employers, Gjøvik-Lyn, told Eurosport that it all went through on Saturday, so there you are. The best news of all though, is that The Bagel has managed to dig up a picture of his head and here it is…

…he’s the one on the left and is seen here pictured with his fashion guru, Gunther. Zipped up red is most definitely ‘in’.

The next biggest transfer story, which really I should have discussed by now, was this week’s link with David Beckham. Don’t know who he is? Yes, he’s quiet chap and I understand that many of you will not have heard of him, so here’s his head…

…I wouldn’t stare at that for too long. It can get a little freaky.

So yes, with all this not playing malarkey over in Spain and with decisions with his contract on some sort of knife edge, there have been reports flying around that he may be coming to WHL. It’s always tricky with Beckham as there’s usually so much smoke it’s hard to tell exactly where the fire is. He claims to love it over there and he’s keen to stay but I’d fancy he’ll be looking for a move pretty soon if he continues to warm the bench.

The real issue of him and his family is most likely one of business. As Davor reaches the end of his playing career, the Beckham family machine will look to branch out into new ventures, being the well advised, canny company they are. Skinny Spice has been launching her book over here on fashion, well, I don’t suppose it was going to be on philosophy, and starting the ball rolling for a TV series on the same subject, as presented by hers truly. As one partner’s trade dwindles the other’s rises. You can almost imagine a New Labour like deal behind the scenes between their ‘people’.

‘We spend the best of David’s playing in Spain and then Victoria can take over and we move back to England.’

I wonder how Brooklyn and Romeo’s people felt about all this? Do you think they successfully bargained for three more transformers a year and an extra scoop of ice cream on Sundays? Let’s face it, it was probably more like three more hover boards and an extra scoop of diamonds.

I can’t see them staying out there for many more seasons and he’ll be looking to come to a club where he can actually get on the pitch as he plays out his career before entering the world of punditry or his own show or club or whatever they choose to build into the empire. Perhaps we’ll all be watching the David Beckham Premiership before long?

I shouldn’t think he’ll be going anywhere before the summer and I’m not convinced he’d really be that useful at our club. We’d buy him and I still think he’s a very good player but he’s not really needed. Great for the dead ball but I think we’d all prefer to see Little Aaron on the right, unless of course, Lennon’s played on the left with Beckham on the right? Hmmm…it’s doable I suppose but I’m hoping we’d be too big for him by the time he’s ready to move.

MJ seems to be having the same kind of conundrum,

“I’ll sit down and have a think about it tonight,”

“We are well covered on the flanks already. It’s a difficult one.

“We’ve got Wayne Routledge, although he is on loan, plus Hossam Ghaly and Aaron Lennon.”

Since that night of thinking, very little has been said except from Beckham and Real themselves, who have expressed their commitment to making the relationship work but I’ve used that line myself a number of times and it usually translates to ‘let’s just fuck one last time’. We’ll see who screws who.

While the Beckham machine was taking over our transfer headlines, there were one or two other rumours in the air. The most recent of these was a link between our good selves and Turkish International Yildilray Basturk. Basturk, plays at Hertha Berlin just now but is out of contract very soon and isn’t in the mood to go back to his homeland just yet. At 27 he’s in his prime and fancy’s himself to make a mark in other European leagues before trotting off back home. He’s only little at 5′6″ and 65kgs but he does have a left foot and performed rather well in the World Cup in 2002, if you recall. Here’s his head…

…off some dating site by the looks of it. It’s the uncertainty in his eyes.

Reports suggest that we had scouts watching him in Berlin the other day but not for very long because he went off after 28 minutes with a calf problem. I doubt this one’s got the legs, no pun intended but it’ll be January or nothing before we can tell.

We may have signed a striker for the future in Olsen but it seems we’re looking for one for the present as well. Spurs have been linked with two forwards in the last week. The one you may be familiar with is Celtic and Scotland’s Shaun Maloney. At around 5′6″ and 63kgs he’s another little lad and could be some sort of replacement should Villa have away with one of our current stock. Here’s his head…

…doing a ‘broom-broom I’m on a motor bike impression’. Yes, very good Shaun.

Shaun is the Parkhead club’s most highly rated young player, according to both the fans and the staff alike and to be honest he’s unlikely to leave. He’ out of contract next year and much more plausible is that he’s just trying to squeeze his club for as much cash as possible and even if he does go, chances are he’ll hook up with former boss, Martin O’Neill, who is also courting the 23 year old’s signature. This may at least keep his mitts off Keano and the Little Yiddo. Hands off, I say!

The second of said forwards is a Russian by the name of Aleksandr Kerzhakov. If you haven’t heard of him, you should have. He’s about to turn 24 and has been rocking it in the Russian league for the past five years, during which time he’s developed a very healthy one in three goals to games hit rate. He was top scorer in 2004, he’s been voted striker of the year, player of the year, gentleman of the year and is hoping for similar luck at the Birmingham NEC, where he’s going for horse of the year although Ruud van Nistelrooy may have something to say about that. Here’s his head…

…says it all really.

Simply put, he’s the darling of Russian football and although we couldn’t prise him away a year ago for a princely £8m, it looks like we may be going for another stab come January, along with everyone else I should think. Who knows if he’d work out in this league but I do like those stats and I think it’d be good for us. After all Russia is the new black.

The last of the transfer stories and still my favourite is the link that just wont die. Like a superglued boomerang that’s tied to us in the first place, the Shaun Philips story just keeps coming back and please, please one day may it be true. MJ dropped a bit of a hint when he named Shaun as the only other player in the Premiership like Lennon and now The Bagel’s got all excited again as he considers a golden triumvirate of a three pronged mini Yiddo attack. SP on one side, Little Aaron on the other and the Little Yiddo up front. That’s what I want for Christmas.

Should this deal not materialise come January, I suggest we take matters into our own hands. We take a team of bagels, led by myself, with £50 pound notes stuck all over our bodies, to Stamford Bridge, where sneak in past the guards cleverly disguised as flipping great wads of cash. They wont bat an eyelid. We grab Shaun and run back outside where team B is waiting in a get away van disguised as a bunch of utter cunts. No one will suspect a thing as team B blend into their surroundings. We drive him up the A10 to Tottenham, where we kick him out onto Bill Nicholson Way with a note stuck to his head saying,

‘Dear Martin,

Got bored of this toy. Hope you play with him more than I have. Love to Mrs Jol.

Roman.

P.S. We hate Chelsea and we hate Chelsea, We hate Chelsea and we hate Chelsea, We hate Chelsea and we hate Chelsea, We are the Chelsea Haters. We Hate Chelsea! We Hate Chelsea!’

It’s fucking fool proof.

Should we decide against ‘Operation Liberty’ then I reckon Spurs should send a scout up to Preston to check out Simon Whaley. Just seen a few clips of this lad in last night’s game against Leeds. He’s an attacking midfielder of the dribbling kind. He’s sets up play nicely too. Here’s his head…

…not so easy on the eye.

He may just have had a particularly good game or the full back he was up against was from the Pascal Cygan school of sprinting but he looked to run rather like Little Aaron. At 21 you’d have thought he would have been cherry picked by now if he was any good but I’d still fancy a better look at this kid some time.

Stay tuned for today’s second epistle from your apostle.

El Bagelrino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 1st, 2006 at 2:43 pm and is filed under Transfer News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.