Beef Bagel

‘They’re them but they think they’re us, they’re them but they think they’re us!’

What do Aston Villa think they’re playing at? Not content with dirtying up Jermain Defoe with their greasy, Brummie fingers, they’re having a go at our other small striker now. Martin O’Neill is apparently a big fan of Robbie Keane and has made him his number one transfer target for January to the tune of £5m or £6m depending upon what you read. The big question The Bagel poses here is, if O’Neill is such a big fan, why did he turn to Keano after failing to land Defoe? Why not go for Robbie straight away?

I’m doubting Mr. O’Neill’s genuine appreciation for the lean, mean, Keane machine. Great admirer, eh? Does he have his autograph; a signed copy the spoken word tapes he did for the BBC ‘Robbie Keane Mumbles William Wordsworth’, including the classic ‘I wondered lonely as a mbmbmmmbmmmb’? Does he go to sleep at night in his Robbie Keane pyjamas complete with ‘Robbie Keane is God’ badge (yes, they do exist) and nocturnal Spurs socks? Does he even spend his Sunday afternoons in the back garden practising his celebration somersaults? Well, that’s not what The Bagel hears from Martin O’Neill’s neighbours.

In conclusion, I am not convinced of this afore mentioned ‘fanatical appreciation’ and what’s more £6m is not enough. It’d take a few more megabucks from Handy Randy to prise Robbie away. Firstly, we’d be hard pressed to get anyone as good for that money and secondly, we love him. This must not stand and I doubt it will. I understand Villa’s frustration that they are not us. They’re trying to fill their stadium like us, they’re trying to nick our league position and now they want all our players too. Hands off!

Available on all good non-specified internet auction sites.

Another club has got their eyes on one of our players, however this time I don’t think anyone would be too upset. Long time, long legged servant, Anthony Gardner, could be on his way to Man City. Baby Face has dropped down to fourth choice centre half and he may well fancy the move as he can scarcely score a seat on the bench for love or money at the moment. It wasn’t too long ago that he was Ledley’s regular right hand man but I can’t say we ever looked really comfortable with him at the back. He’s had his good games and of course, that one goal but the future of Spurs, I think not.

We could probably squeeze £3m for him, £1m more than the rumoured bid but whatever the case, we’ll need a little back up should he be packing his bags. Good Ole Calum’s out for a couple of weeks with groin trouble, of the non-Malbranque kind and what with Ledley’s knee the way it is, it’d be too early to let Gardner go just yet.

We have, of course, been linked with Curtis Davies since the last ice age, who would be more than a replacement and there’s fresh reports that we may be interested in one time England hopeful and too many time Gooner, Matthew Upson. Stranded in the Championship, it seems a wonder that no one is yet to snaffle up the 27 year old that, scummer or not, is too good to be playing outside the top flight. The reason for this anomaly is that he’s been out since April after an operation to his Achilles tendon. I too would want an operation on a weakness significant enough that had me once lured to the dark side of North London.

Most clubs don’t buy injured players, unless they’re Real Madrid or amused by penis operations and so Matthew has remained put for the best part of a year. He should be back to fitness come January and I should think they’ll be more than one club after his signature. Presumably, he’ll end up at the one that doesn’t quite manage to sign Curtis Davies. Shit. That sounds like us.

Just in case any of you have missed him, and after all, 6 months is a long time in football, here’s his head…

…as a young lad many years ago, as held by his father, who coincidentally looks almost identical to Matthew today. Obviously fascinated by the game from an early age. Coochy-coo.

While we’re getting all defensive, let’s move left field for a second and discuss Leighton Baines, shall we? There’s a little rumour floating around that we may be in for another of Wigwam’s full backs and frankly, I think it’d be worth it just to watch Paul Jewell’s face turn some, as yet undiscovered, shade of purple. Being a young talented Englishmen, Leighton may be tempted by a move our way, where he can hook up with friends from international duty, Man Mountain Tom Huddlestone, Good Ole Calum, Little Aaron, Safety First and perhaps even one day Wayne Routledge.

Baines plays left back for both Wigan and the England U21 side. Here’s his head…

…as he confirms for all the success of Steed’s operation.

He’s not big at 5′7″ and his defence work is reasonable but his real talent is that he is rather familiar with the net and what it’s there for…

…can’t beat a bit of Carmina Burana. For any low quality music fans out there you can enjoy the classic in most amusing MIDI.

So yes, a bit of accurate long range shooting would be most welcome at the Lane. Last screamer I can remember is Edman’s…oh, let’s have a look at that again, complete with authentic Scots commentary…

…umm…why did we let him go again?

So back to the point, winding Wigan up. Why is The Bagel concerned with winding Wigan up? Because that’s exactly they’re trying to do. Look.

‘However, the odds on him moving to White Hart Lane would appear to be slim. Latics chairman and manager Paul Jewell have put on record their dislike of the way Tottenham Hotspur go about paying for transfers, and the Pascal Chimbonda saga will make Latics very careful about future dealings with the Arsenal ‘wannabe’s’.

In addition, Baines himself is said to be happy at the JJB Stadium and would only consider a move to a top five club that can guarantee Champions League football, something that Spurs, like Latics, will not be able to do for the foreseeable future.’

As written on some Wigan site, presumably by the person who had use of the town computer that day. So northern.

I’ve never seen a more blatant attempt at antagonisation but The Bagel is not rising to it. See, I’m un-risen; a matzah bagel if you like. What’s more, they’ve got it all wrong. We’re not Arsenal wannabes. We want to actually win finals when we get to them.

Another man trying to distance himself from the scum, well ok, rejected by the scum is David Bentley of Blackburn and come January perhaps of Spurs instead. The Bagel has no objection to bringing more strikers down to the Lane, in this case provided he is thoroughly cleansed first; a sand blasting and hydrochloric shower should do the trick with perhaps a colonic irrigation session just to teach him a lesson. Here’s his head…

…on receiving the news that he will never again have to ‘visit Wenger’ in the boot room.

At 5′9″ and nearly 11 stone he’s neither big man, little man nor cardboard box and it’s unclear as to what his role within the squad would be. He may just be an option given Villa’s interest in our entire front line, if indeed there is any strength to this rumour at all.

The £5m asking price seems pretty steep for this forward, who’s not exactly blessed with club goals wherever he’s been. Although, it’s hard to ignore that hat-trick against Man U and he has done pretty well for the England U21’s, who are fast becoming our feeder club, along with West Ham and Wigan too.

As it happens, initial talks have taken place with FC Brussels for them to actually become our feeder club by choice. This, of course, would avoid all press arguments over players and the power behind the chant ‘Brussels are our Feeder Club’ should we ever face them in European competition but having first dibbs on any Belgian youth can only be a good, if mildly unexciting thing. Ahh yes, just think of all that famous Belgian talent of years gone by…

To be continued and bageled on…

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 30th, 2006 at 4:32 pm and is filed under Transfer News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.