Beef Bagel

Well, we’re at it again. Damien Comolli has gone into overdrive and seems to have developed a new transfer tactic. The ploy, to sign every single European goalkeeper under the age of 18 years old. This will mean that come the year 2017 there will be no senior goalkeepers available to other clubs, resulting in open nets on match day. At the same time, we will field XI’s comprising entirely of the world’s finest goalkeepers able to deliver perfect long shots directly into the opposition goal. Spurs will once again be back to the good old days of the 60’s when 8-0 victories were considered normal. Genius.

How does The Bagel know this? Elementary my dear Watsons. Not content with our signing of young Swedish keeper Oscar Jansson, we’ve got our eyes on another lad, an Englishman this time, by the name of Preston Edwards. Here’s his head…

…part time ninja assassin you understand.

Preston has been capped by England at U18 level and when he’s not off gallivanting with his international buddies he stands between the sticks at Millwall. Brave man. We’re not the only ones impressed by the 17 year old’s credentials. West Ham are trying to persuade him to make the short trip over the river and even the Chewing Gum Machine’s getting involved.

Actually, it occurred to me that it may not be chewing gum that Fergie always has in his mouth. Next time take a look at the expression on his face, the grit of his molars, the deep highland anger within. You see, I just don’t think that gum’d cut it. I’m convinced he just grabs a handful of nuts and bolts and sticks them in his mouth before the game starts. After 90 minutes, only ground metal dust remains. God forbid there should be extra time and penalties. He’d go right through his jaw.

So yes, we’ve joined the race on this kid with the tag believed to be around £500,000. However Lions chairman Stewart Till, is none too impressed.

“Why would we be interested in selling him? He is a talented keeper who is already getting national recognition. We want to keep him and see him play for our first team.”

Well, of course you do Mr.Till but it may not be what you want that counts. I also love the way he adds at the end,

“We need to keep hold of our youngsters - although, we all know things depend on how the finances of the club are doing.”

Makes me feel all Premiership and smug. So, The Bagel’s opinion on this one? What the hell, bring in the kids I say. We’ll open a Spurs School.

Assembly at 8.30am sharp, where headmaster Mr. Jol will read from the book of Spurs and lead hymns such as ‘We love you Tottenham, we do’, ‘It’s a Grand Old Team to Play For’ and ‘Who ate all the pies?’ First period is an intensive Arsenal hating class as taken by Professor Sheringham, followed by double commitment with Dr. Freund. After the mid morning bagel break, students can expect a talk from a Spurs legend and an aggression class with Mr. Davids to work up an appetite before the lunch time bagels. Woe betide any students foolhardy enough to be tardy for Mr. Davids.

After lunch dribbling classes with the chaplin Father Hoddle, all students must ensure their shoelaces are tied together for this class and to end the day free kicks and just a little beer with Mr. Gascoigne. We may also be adding a swimming pool for Dr. Zokora’s diving classes but the merit of this discipline has yet to be agreed upon.

The other transfer story of the week is a resurfacer. There’s a young un’ down in the Championship that needs rescuing and after Sir Martin Jol’s success at freeing the fair maiden Chimbondabonda from castle JJB, he may just be donning his armour plating once more, pulling down his visor and charging to the Hawthorns motte and bailey, where Curtis Davies lies awaiting. He’ll not be the only knight of the realm courting the Lady Davies’ favour and we could well see a joust off come January betwixt our champion and the black knight, Sir Wenger on his red and white donkey, affectionately named ‘Adams’.

As it goes, Davies may not want to leave at all. He’s just signed a new 4 year contract and is very happy there but come on, he’s top flight and he knows he his. So the issue is, why come to us when he wont get a start? Well, he probably wont but here’s the profile all the same.

Curtis is of course an England U21 centre half with a good season or two of front line Premiership experience, scooping a great deal of respect along the way. The kid must have a head on his shoulders as old as time as they’ve made him captain of West Brom, which is no mean feet for a 20 year old. In fact, we can look at his head right now. Here it is…

…doing a Joe Cole impression. The bad news is that his best mate in football is Justin Hoyte! Yuck! So all in all, looks like this kid has got Gooner written all over him but with the £10 million price tag slapped on his head, what he hell, they can have him. Doesn’t mean I’m not secretly hoping I’m wrong.

Class dismissed.

The Bagel.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 10th, 2006 at 2:58 pm and is filed under Transfer News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.