Frankly, I’ve been in shock since Monday just after midnight when I read the headline in the Mail online that Keano had handed in a transfer request over the rumours about Rafa’s requests. I felt sick to my stomach. If I think about it too long I still do. Robbie is not only very special to Tottenham but he’s very special to The Bagel. The day I decided to buy my season ticket was the day he signed for Spurs and I’ll never forget him holding his Tottenham shirt aloft with a feeling in everyone’s hearts that we’d bought an exceptional player, one looking for a place to call home and that’s exactly what the Lane has become since he arrived.

No one tries harder than Keano and no one can do what he does. He is unique in style, in shape, in attitude and it’ll be one of the sadest days of my life when he leaves Spurs. We don’t sing “All I want is a team of Robbie Keanes” for no reason. I’ve always marveled at the way other teams haven’t coveted him before and in some ways it’s no surprise that finally one of them has seen sense. I’m sure he’d be a legend at Anfield. You simply cannot resist his charms, his chop-suey and his little Irish jigs. The thing is, he’s not going to go.

I’ve had to add this one up slowly and surely but The Bagel has come to his decision - Keano stays. It was first of all when I Twittered my horror that the Yid of the North gave me the first sign. “Surely this is all arse water,” he said. “Arse water,” I thought as I began to anlayse the details of the story.

It was a solitary source, the Mail and there were no direct quotes. In fact all of this speculation that’s hit the net has been the result of some bloke who knows a bloke. Now, maybe that bloke is genuine but then, maybe he just heard Keano mention that Liverpool is a team he has a soft spot for? So that was clue number one.

Number two came from Oog who reminded my that - and no offense Red Rum - this is Liverpool. This is not Manchester United. They don’t have the same clout or pressure. They’re not the same force of nature and if we don’t want to sell Keano we don’t have to because, and this is where clue number three comes in, he’s under a long contract - somewhere in the region of 3 or 4 years minimum. We can even price Liverpool out of the deal if we wish.

As Oog pointed out, and I quite agree, Crouch is a reasonable enough player but the offer from Rafa is ludicrous. If that was a scout, it’s been captured, interrogated and shot dead. Not a bleeding chance. £20 is probably closer to market value and I’msure we could jack it up to £25m just to scare them off. That’s clue four.

Clue five is that Dimi or no Dimi, Ramos doesn’t want to sell Keano. I totally understand how Robbie may have been annoyed with all that 60 minute subbing last season but I don’t think it was a reflection on what Juande thinks of him. Also, just because Berbatov is left on instead of you, doesn’t make you a bad player. To be fair, there’s not a lot of fact in clue five but I just sense it in my crumbs. Any manager who works with Robbie is going to value him. You’d never let him go.

Clue six is my favourite though. I’ll try and upload this bugger…

…nope still haven’t go that sorted. Look at this. The Spurs came back to town today in the first training session. A much publicised red-faced Dimi returned with his transfer tail between his legs and ignoring the lunchbox comparison between Ledders and JJ on the right, take note of the figure on the far left. Yes, that lovely looking chap with the broad grin on his face; thay one who looks to be having a thoroughly wonderful time in the company of his mates - his mates plus a few extra talented new ones that are going to make him want to play with them. Two days with Johnny Two Saints, Luka the Mod and a smaller reminder of how good BALE! BALE! BALE! is and any thoughts of leaving, if at all true, will disappear.

While we’re on the subject. Check out this picture of the Yids of the future. It warms my buns, I tell you. Incidently, I’m judging by the kit that my third strip 3/4 length training shorts should be on their way to the Bakery shortly. Splendid. I can put them to the intended use but lazing about in them.

In terms of striker number 3, I shouldn’t worry too much about the fact that Makams have yet to agree a fee with us. The fact is that can you see anyone, even Niall Quinn, turning to Roy Keane and explaining that they didn’t want to spend the money. He’d just stare back until Quinn talked himself back into the deal and then walk out of the room. He does the same at petrol stations - just goes in to the mini-mart, walks up to the cash desk and stares at the pump monkey for twenty seconds before walking out without paying. Maybe we won’t get £10m but he’ll go.

Bentley/Little Aaron to Tottenham/Slackburn is another issuette but I’m not getting into that today - well, not much. Ince wants to keep Bentley and that ain’t going to happen. I doubt he’ll get Little Aaron either but he will receive a lot of cash and possibly one of the spare full backs we have in stock. Ok, really have to go now but while we’re full-backing, did anyone notice that Daniel Alves finally made his move from Sevilla to Barca? £23.5m it was in the end making that the record for his position. So, not coming to Spurs then or Chelsea either thank God.

Little girl, can I borrow your…hover bagel?

The Bagel.

She’s clearly a fan of good football after waiting for a good, skillful-playing team to be crowned European Champions before deciding it was safe to enter the world. Unfortunately, it did mean missing the game last night but then the Brioche is obviously aware that The Bagel shall be taking her along to as many games at the Lane as she desires. Great result.

In what seems like the merest of blips now, I have the mildly irritating news that we’ve failed in a bid to capture Sevilla left winger and clear favourite of the Perfect Juan, Diego Capel, and the trouble is I can’t see it getting sorted either without it getting very expensive indeed.

Capel has become the first choice left sider at the Stadio Far Too Long and Uncatchy and even a hefty £12.5m cannot change the minds of President Del Nido and his personal vendetta. I imagine the price is right but the feelings are not.

On the one level, they don’t want Capel to go because he’s good but more to the point it’s because they’re still considerably dicked-off with both Juande and Spurs after we pinched the best manager they ever had. Fair enough really. I’d hold a grudge too. But beyond plain anger is the fact that they’re still seeking out £3m compensation against us along with a personal law suit against Ramos himself for breach of contract.

I’ve a feeling that Juande can handle himself and that he was smart enough to consult a lawyer before making his move but the bigger problem lies in the £3m, if not the bitterness of the affair as a whole.

The £12.5m offer was for Capel and the dropping of both of the actions and Sevilla are said to have rejected it in order to pursue both cases. Now that would mean that we’re valuing the winger at £9.5m minus maybe another 1 or 2 mill. So, at a guess, that means we’ve only offered £6m or £7m - probably not enough. I say probably because even if we offered £50m for the lot they may say no.

However, I imagine Del Nido is a “reasonable” man or if not his legal team will make a few descrete whispers behind napkins if we should offer something closer to £20m. It’s simple really. We want both cases dropped and we want the player. We want those three things very badly indeed. Nobody likes a court case hanging over them and as much as a company can handle it, I’m not sure how well an individual can. Christ, I get itchy when I’ve got 14 days to pay a parking ticket.

The point is that everyone wants Juande with a clear head just focusing on the game and Juande clearly wants Capel. He’s been his number one target since day one. I don’t care what anyone says. Fact.

Really hard to know if we’re going to pull this off. The question is, are we willing to make an offer which is more than Sevilla think they’ll get from the court cases?

While we’re on money, PSV are claimng that the undisclosed, but much touted, £7m transfer fee for the Octopus is in fact much lower than was agreed between us and themselves. As it goes, I’m sure they’re right but I’m sure the press isn’t wrong either. This is clearly a Tottenham deal. We’ve given them £7.4m up front rising to around £10m, I should think, based on appearances, haircut, the colour of boots he choses to wear and whether or not there’s an R in the month. They’ll get their £10m, but only if he’s good.

£10m seems a popular number today and if Goal.com are to be believed, or their sources at least, then Little Aaron isn’t one of the players on Juande’s culling spree, however, should Keegan still luv it if he had Lennon then the afore mentioned sum should do it.

As ever, time fights with The Bagel but hot off the press before I go is the news that we’ve signed a new young-un for the Academy of Younger Yiddos. Mirko Ranieri is a 16-year-old, goalkeeper from Perugia of no relation to Claudio unfortunately. He’s 6′2″ and apparently is an excellent shot stopper. Here’s his head…

…he’s the one on the right, but how good would it be if we signed a chap that happened to look like the good looking gentleman to the left?

Got to fix this multimedia issue.

Right, must skidaddle.

I’m a bagel!

Uncle Bagel.

For your info, the MK Dons stadium is located here. It’s a bit of a mission but it’s on the train from Euston and you can even park there for a fiver on matchday. Noe obviously none of this is official and it all rather stems from a bloke who knows a bloke but the story centres around a company director inquiring after a box at the Lane who was told the utlimate plan. Seems to make sense.

So, caution given, that sounds ok by The Bagel. Not exactly super convenient but very sensible. Doubtless the rent is minimal compared to Wembley and Upton Park, we wont have to give money to our rivals or sit in their scummy Magic Kingdom stadium and much of the Yiddo catchement area is towards that part of the country anyway. Better still, LB has just made the mistake of getting me and my 6 points insured on her car, so yes, I can deal with that in return for a nice big Lane just where the old one used to be.

That’s the good news. The big business is that now the Guvnor has taken over at Slackburn he intends to sinck his very stubborn and mouthy claws into his star players. Rats. He said:

“I’m looking forward to getting my teeth into it and I want to keep my best players, David Bentley and Santa Cruz among them.”

“We don’t start (pre-season) until July 7 so I’ll speak to those two players and to the rest of them and take it from there.”

Now, that’s by no means definitive talk and even Paul Ince isn’t going to be stupid enough to ruin moral at a club where he’s only just started. I still sense that both of those players - Bentley particularly - have got their hearts set on moves away and as respected as the former United field marshal may be, somehow I doubt he has the glitz, charisma and intelligence enough to silence that doubt in David’s mind. However, I know a man who does. This one just got tricky but it’s not over yet.

One that has probably bitten the dust is the deal for David “The Kid” Villa, despite my premature Twitter. The Valencia chairman is confident he can persuade the striker to play and even if he can’t I lose faith every second that Villa himself has any intention of coming to England, let alone Tottenham. So, enough of that one until I wake up to a headline or Twitter from the blue.

At the same time, Lyon striker Dave has basically said the same, making up some poor excuses about defenders rather than mentioning what’s really on his mind - the weather and the food. He said:

“Lyon have proposed me a contract extension - I’m studying it.”

“I really would like to play in Spain. The defenders give you more space there and the football that is played resembles what is like in Brazil.”

Even if he does mean that, isn’t he just saying “Actually, I’m not that good and I need to play where no one can be bothered to mark me”? In which case, I wish him the best as we continue our search for a player that’s actually worthy of filling the shoes of the Beautiful Bulgarian.

Dimi himself has been given a “mid-July” deadline by which time he must formally make up his mind and give an answer to Levy & Co. about his future. Nice an vague that one - mid-July. Obviously he’s waiting for the transfer merry-go-round to settle, as is the rest of the footballing world, and one can’t help but feel that we’re all waiting for United and Real to sort out the Ronaldo business before other players can start moving. Tedious.

Robbo seems to have a fan in Martin O’Neill who by all reports wants to bring back the sparkle to the eyes of England’s true No.1 with a £5m move to Villa. Something about that one feels right for all parties, save us as we watch Robbo’s career come to life again in a season or two to come. I was wisfully thinking about his pin-point distribution on the train this morning and how The Bagel shall miss his Aaron Lennon specials every time I see Gomes’s looping throws. Come to think of it I’ll probably miss Little Aaron too.

The worst news of all is that Boutros Boutros Ghaly has managed to injure himself while on international duty with Egypt. He’s bust his kness ligaments which is long, painful and difficult one to recover from adn pretty much rules out anyone buying him until Xmas. Can’t we just shoot him like a lame horse? We’d probably get more money for the glue.

Speaking of which, we should probably do the same to Younes Richards. Saggy Face Redknapp has practically coughed up a lung at our asking price of £6m which isn’t too far off the mark if you ask me. Redpapp probably had £3m and a 1986 Ford Cortina in mind and I’d sooner see us put the 22-year-old Frenchman into our steak and kidney pies for profit rather than hand our rivals a bargain. I’m sure there’s a suitable cockney expression for it and whatever it is can be stuffed up Harry’s bottom with whatever other faux reactions he’d care to make.

I don’t know. I’m getting really frustrated with all this public bargaining. Can’t they just keep it to the small, dark negotiating rooms rather than insult every fan in the game. I hate to think how the United mob must feel. Then again, they’re long overdue some pain.

She’s a 10, Jimmy. She’s a bagel unto herself. She can’t nurse worth shit, but I keep her on, because even though I can’t feel it, I know I get erections in her presence.

The Bagel.

I haven’t played 5-a-side footy for a little while now and I know what a bitch it is trying to find somewhere to play with and people to play with. So, if any of you out there are looking to join any kind of team, from football to frisbee, are looking for new members for your own sports crew or anything at all with actually playing these games rather than just berating others for not being good enough at them from the comfort of your own sofa behind several stacks of tortillas with assorted dips, then get yourself to Play4ateam and play for a team.

Incidentally, the splendid chap behind play4ateam also showed me that you can watch ITV on your mobile for 49p for a 24 hour period. In short, very cheap Euro 2008 footy on your phone wherever you are. I’ll have to dig up the link for that one. Unfortunately, my phone is too shit but thankfully Mr. Play4ateam and The Bagel enjoyed Turkey vs Czech Republic on his mobile while LB and Mrs.Play4ateam sat wondering why we were so fascinated by a Sony Ericsson, which reminds me, a second excellent reason to go to Play4ateam.com is to find out where to get late night fish ‘n chips-come-road kill when drunk and in Brighton.

Right, to business. Anyone catch Luka Modric vs Turkey? Missed the penalties myself, as did Luka unfortunately, but none could deny what a blinder he played. Every Spur should be rubbing their hands together on thoughts of his imminent arrival, and then dusting them off to get rid of those tiny black rolls of dirty, dead skin.

There’s actually some hyper-extended highlights for those who reckon they can get away with watching 22 minutes of footy at work or some shorter ones if you’re too chicken.

I personally took equal interest in David Villa last night after the Sunday Mirror reckoned that we’d agreed a deal with Valencia for the 26-year-old goal machine they simply refer to as The Kid (awesome name). It does bother me a little that he’s only 5′9″ and not exactly a Berbatov replacement if we were to pull of the £20m coup but then one must simply trust in the fact that Juande knows a lot more about football than you and I.

Not a peep out of the Daily Mirror or any other paper today, which is an intereresting reminder that the weekly and Sunday versions are different titles with different journalists. The Mirror are usually pretty accurate, the Sunday Mirror perhaps not so.

Not as dead on but probably the best early warning system is the Daily Mail. The tend to stick their necks out with specualtion and are right more often than not, so have a little heart as they report today that not only will Blackburn be looking to move David Bentley now that Paul Ince is in charge but also that we have all but agreed a £10m transfer fee for The Bagel’s number one choice for No.1, Heurelho Gomes.

Once that part has been signed and sealed, we’ll have permission to talk to the PSV fan favourite who has or hasn’t fallen out with his employers depending upon who you believe. The only two concerns I have with Gomes is his ridiculous distribution and the fact that he’s aired PSV’s dirty laundry to the press on more than one ocassion. I love Tottenham but I’d wager our Lillywhites aren’t as prisctine as they might be. It’s a business. How could they be?

Oh, and the reason Paul Ince’s arrivals means Blackburn can talk Bentley is because now they’ll know whether to ask for players or just the cash ma’am.

As for our own current right winger, there’s some strong rumours emerging from multiple sources that Little Aaron’s wanted by silly old Keegan and Toon Town. The price fromthe internet cosmos is £6m-£8m and if it Newcasstle are after him, it’ll probably end up as £9m with £90k per week for the 22-year-old to buy yet more cars on which he cannot reach the pedals.

Funny to talk about Little Aaron leaving and not being too bothered. The sentimental part of The Bagel cries out in memory of the man who scored the winner against Chelsea as fireworks shot through the air at WHL and the now you see him, now you don’t joy as he blew Besiktas away. Still, if the Perfect Juan isn’t going to play him, it’s best he gets some football elsewhere. Keegan will be just the chap to boost his confidence too. He wont be too bothered about technique. He’ll tell the speed gnome to run and that’s exactly what he’ll do.

Another sad casualty looks to be Baby Face as his loan to Fulham looks to become a sale to Stoke for £1.5m. Now, Tony’s always been there, love him or hate him, and I can’t remember the last time he made a real pigs ear in defence. He’s been solid if a little unimpressive. In a some ways, I’d rather lose Safety First than Baby Face. As my mate Charlie, a Yiddo through and through, often says, at least Baby Face plays the ball forwards.

Dawson himself has come out to say he has no desire to leave Tottenham but then I suppose that’s not really up to him.

“It is all speculation,” said the friendly lummox, “I am happy here and I don’t know where that has come from.”

Well, probably fromn the club trying to cart him off to every club in the country I should think.

The real kick in the teeth is story that Pompey are said to be putting in a bid for Younes Richards - for £2m! Doubtless we want to get the player off our books but a £6m price reduction is serious for a player who’s worth far more. He may have fucked up more times than I’d care to remember but the man’s strong, committed, young and he can play football. Sell him for £4/5m but £2m is just silly. Might as well give him away to Stoke instead. At least it wouldn’t be making Pompey stronger.

I’m not a bitch. ANDREW. Are you going to bring me my lemon or do I have to squeeze it from my bagel?

The Bagel.

In all likelihood he’s going to be keen and even Fiorentina sporting director Pantaleo Corvino said:

“I expect Santana to join Spurs within the next few days as he has been offered a three or four-year contract in London.”

The trouble is, there are one or tow things bothering me about this deal.

1) Why are the selling him, and 2) why is he only worth £4m?

“It is a figure that satisfies us because Santana does not feature in our plans for the 2008-09 season,” says Corvino.

Why isn’t he going to feature? Let’s take a look at him first.

Mario Alberto Santana is a 26-year-old right winger from Argentina. He’s 5′11″, 11st 5lbs and last season he made 26 appearances, picking up 5 goals. Not too shabby. Here’s his head…

Ah, well it would be here but for some reason the new version of WordPress (blogging software) is fighting me, but I wouldn’t worry, it wasn’t a killer pic. In fact it was this one.

Anyway, take a better look at him score some reasonable goals and perform one accidental trick that made made little difference to the accompaniment of some beautiful Spanish guitar music. It’s the same piece of VT from earlier but with a nice Xmas decoration in the corner…

…well, ok. So we want him ahead of Bentley and Little Aaron, do we? Hmmm. Now, that’s not a bad hmmm, it’s just a hmmm. Hmmm.

Why buy him if we’re about to buy Bentley? Sure, he’s cheap but that brings me back around to why is he cheap. I suppose Steeeve wasn’t expensive but then would we want to buy another player like him to help us push for tht top four. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got plenty of time for Steeeeeve but in The Bagel’s Spurs of the future, he’s a squad player, so is that what we’re looking at here or is this one of the Perfect Juan’s special conversion jobs alla Freddie Kanoute? We’ll see.

Unfortunately, I’ve used all my time banging my head against this new software which doubtless will be good once I’ve learned how to harness its powers. There are two stories I’ve been itching to write about though.

One is Lukas Podolski who was even on telly last night for us all to scrutinse. For those uninitiated, Lukas is a Polish born German national player who made a big money move from Cologne to Bayern Munich last season and now at the age of 23 doesn’t get to play an awful lot stuck behind Klose and Luca Toni at club level. However, the peek we got last night against Portugal in the second half wasn’t too bad at all. Far from the finished article but he was inches from burying a screamer. Let me see if I can find it…

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Podolski shot

Posted to 101 Great Goals by Ronaldo on June 19, 2008

Click to Play | View Details

W

Well, that hasn’t worked perfectly but I’ve no time to change it now. Damn that cat.

Now, that I’ve got this all nicely on its head, Podolski’s 5′11″, 12.5st - which may explain while he’s so bloody strong on the ball - and here’s his head….

…about to do something wholly inappropriate on the football field. It’s that look of concentration in his eye. On his future at Munich, he said:

“If I can’t see the possibility of playing under Jurgen Klinsmann, you have to ponder (the future). I am not a footballer to sit on the bench.”

The two problems with this are that firstly he looks like a very Klinsmann striker - perhaps a little more of a bully than Old Uncle Jurgs ever was but I’m sure he appreciates the skill. The other problem is that we make up a list of around 50 clubs that would very much enjoy the services of a player that looks like would work very well both at the club and in the Premiership - oh, and that list includes Juventus and Man City and all the thousands they can throw at him.

Right, I’ve totally had enough of this post. I’m going fucking nuts and I have to stop before I throw this computer out the window. Iwouldn’t mind but I’m at work and I’ve a feeling the “It’s Friday?” excuse wouldn’t vut much ice as I come to my senses to find all eyes on a crazed looking Bagel.

But the last thing I wanted to mention was the other option I read about in the striking department - the Horse. He may be 32 but he’s still fucking good and it’s not as if his game is about pace. The Horse. Trouble is it’ll cost just under £16m to get Real to the table and there’s be no recouping that cash. Still, I’d love to see him play. The Horse - a thoroughbred among strikers.

If you can fly a Sopwith bagel, you can fly anything.

The Bagel

I got the impression when all those United fans took to the streets before the Glazier family took over and it seemed they were more bothered about their English club falling into the hands of Americans than the leadership of their football business. I don’t think there’s any room for xenophobia in football. How can you bitch about foreign money in the game when half your side comes from abroad?

No, what frightens me is the latest craze amongst many foreign owners for instant success. I wouldn’t mind if it were just the likes of the CL clubs firing their managers after less than a season when they don’t pick up the European Cup, the league and mail on the way in to work. When Sven’s out on his ear after a fucking good season at City, that’s the kind of foreign investment worth worrying about. You don’t need me to eulogise about the Receding Swede but he brought in good players, did the double over their greatest rivals - none less than the best club in Europe - and managed to get them into the UEFA Cup,  albeit through European Cat Flap.

Whatever General Levy has done about which we may not have been so proud, he has given us longevity and a steady increase in fortunes. Juande, his staff and his players need time and I’d hate to see some clueless investors come in, throw money at the club and expect that to bring in the League Championship by the end of the season.

Fortunately, the club has denied they’re about to sell up their 82% share of Spurs despite the tip of Joe Lewis’s financial iceberg, melting in the Bear Grylls collapse or whatever it was called. The fact is that even if the £250m was tabled, it’s a good £150m short of what ENIC are after, so we’re safe for now. Besides, with a few more Modrics and Johnny Two Saints we’ve a good chance of improving that value in the next few years. A good businessman knows best of all when to get out, and this is not the time.

An exciting addition to the Yiddo Share Index (YSI) is rumoured to be on its way in the form of one David Bentley, who the press are claiming was a boyhood Tottenham fan despite his youth experience at the scum. My arse. What self-respecting boyhood Tottenham fan would ever play for arsenal? Oh yeah. Well, obviously the likes of Campbell and Bergkamp were never true; merely sham fans with not one iota of Lilywhite and blue blood in them.

As it goes, according to once source, the England winger has already signed for £9.5m rising to £12m subject to a medical. I’m not saying that the medical is going to cost £2.5m, I’m mean, that’d be one hell of a medical. You’d be looking to have every cell checked for that. No, the signing is subject to a medical, the fee subject likely to appearances or CL qualification or such.

Now, last week’s suspect rumour turned out to be bang on the money, so with a 1 in 1 strike rate, I’ve every reason to feel confident in today’s grapevine tremors, and besides, that conditional deal does sound very Spurs.

Should it turn out to be true, then Bentley’s arrival gets The Bagel’s thumbs up but as Jimmy Crazy Box (nee No Skype) discussed, the ex-arse would have to be taken down to Tottenham Marshes baptised and cleansed before being allowed to set foot in WHL. £12m seems relatively reasonable for an English player wanted by the likes of the Big Four and seen as David Beckham’s long term replacement in the England set up. I wonder if he’ll bring MGP with him for the other wing?

I did read one article saying that our courting of Bentley and even his arrival would not necessarily mean the end of Little Aaron as a Spur. It’s a little militant and I don’t particularly agree with it all but the general gist is that we’d be looking to play five in midfield and the likes of Johnny Two Saints, Luka the Mod, Bentley, Little Aaron, Steeeeeeve and JJ would all play as attackers of varying strengths and positions. Not sure this is the Perfect Juan’s ultimate plan but you could definitely see more than just three of these playing with a holding midfielder behind them, unless the plan is for JJ and Modders to hold between them? Food for thought anyway.

Don’t play with that wand! It holds vast powers. Only a real sorcerer can use it, not a stupid peck like you.

The Bagel.

…I reckon I could live with that. Middlesbrough do have that uncanny ability of being able to beat Real Madrid when playing at home but they also not that good and more to the point, not that excited to be in the Premiership. Facing the run-away winners of the Championship in their own back yard was about the worst possible draw to have been given last time around. A home fixture would have been better but a loss at the Riverside isn’t going to destroy us. Anything we could get out of it would not only be a bonus but quite possible too. Having said that, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if come Monday we pull Man U at home. We shall see.

There’s little news today but what there is, I like. My favourite is probably that Roy Keane looks like he’s really got his heart set on Sergei Bent. Huzzah! Better still, Sunderland are willing to back him with cash and lots of it - a good thing because we’re looking to recoup everything we’ve spent which apparently is not the full £16.5m. According to the Mail or Mirror or whoever their man/woman is, we only gave Charlton £12m up front with the other £4.5 based on appearances which it seems very unlikely that Sergei has made. So, I’d say it was looking pretty good that we’ll be doing business with the Mackams, getting rid of a malfunctioning player and getting all that money back. Good news indeed.

The other one I’m less sure will happen but The Bagel wants this just as much. Now, there’s been word for most of the summer that we’ve been after PSV keeper Heurelho Gomes. By the way, does anyone know how to pronounce his first name? It’s all vowel sounds? Is it really “Ur-ruh-leo”? I’ve got a feeling you say his last name as if it’s an English word rather than Spanish - Gomes like ‘gnomes’ rather than ‘Go-mez’. Brazilian Portuguese you see.

So anyway. Various sources are saying that Gnomes is top of Juande’s keeper list, which by all reports consists of about 20 entries in equal first place and nothing else. The fee they’re chatting is £9m, which I’d say is fair enough, the guy is good, the trouble is, I just can’t see it. He may well leave PSV but he’ll go to a CL club. Why shouldn’t he?

See, I reckon this is just a rehashing of a month-old story. Gnomes was having some kind of actually quite disturbing vocal slanging match in the press with the PSV president and the clubs various coaches. Then he calmed down, and all the while there was a list of clubs longer than Chile waiting to help the Brazilian keeper out the door. When I get some quotes from the man they call “The Octopus” that run “Tottenham is a great club with a great project, a a great blog called Beef Bagel”, then I’ll start getting excited. Unfortunately until then, it’s about as certain that we’ll be playing ‘Boro at the start of next season.

If you want me to keep my bagel shut, it’s gonna cost you some dough. I figure a thousand bucks is reasonable, so I want two.

The Bagel

It’s actually a pretty dull video whether you watched the Apprentice or not but but that’s irrelevant. The fact remains that the winner is Yiddo.

The Bagel.

Thankfully, there’s nothing quite as horrific in the rest of the days news, although there is a hell of a lot of quick business, in which case, I shall get to it quickly.

We can knock one keeper out of the running as can every other mo-fo that was after Bolton blocker Jussi Jaaskelainen, which is a bit of a shame. Clearly a glutton for punishment or under some hideous delusion that the Trotters are going to be good again, his agent Peter Harrison has come out and said that the Finnish loon has gone and done the unthinkable by extending his contract at the Reebok.

“We have agreed terms,” said the money man. “The deal is for four years but it is not signed yet as Jussi is away on holiday.”

“He is very happy to be staying as he loves the fans and the club.”

Which fans is that, the ones who turn up or the 17% of the stadium that never make it? Doesn’t the guy take a look on away days? Maybe Bolton actually looks like Finland and it remind him of home. I’ll tell you one thing, I’m never going to Finland. Ah, well. One down, 857 to go.

Lille midfield enforcer Jean Two has all but ruled us out too by saying he wants to play in the Champions League. Fair enough really. The interesting thing here is that there are no quotes. If no one else will stump up the cash to take him out of France, you can bet your bottom dollar he’ll change his tune pretty bloody quickly. The arse don’t seem to be as keen as they were and if Juve don’t come through, they’ll be a rather large meal of roast humble, followed by the humble cheese board even before he makes it to the pie.

One of the snubbings which Oi Oi was referring to may have been that of ex-PSV Peruvian Jefferson Farfan who looks to have made on of the most sensible decision’s I’ve ever heard from a footballer. Apparently, he turned down offers from ourselves and Fiorentina amongst others. He said:

“I accepted the offer because I wanted to play in a more competitive league.”

“I had offers from other clubs. There was an offer from Tottenham in England, another from Fiorentina in Italy and one more from a Russian club.”

“What I decided with PSV was to look for a competitive team and obviously in a league which was a level above Dutch football, and for sporting reasons we accepted the offer from Schalke 04.”

Fair e-bloody-nough. People bitch about how dull it is for the fans when you can basically predict the final Premier League table before the season has even begun but it must be a fairly unenthralling ride for the players too. Good for him.

Thankfully, there is one player who’s practically swimming the channel to get to WHL without so much as an inkling of transfer talks. The only trouble is that he may get stuck at Portsmouth on his way.

“We’ve had some very interesting offers from Spain but he is very motivated to play in the Premier League again.”

So says the agent of one Djibril Cisse.

“There are maybe three or four teams like Portsmouth and Tottenham who he would play for.”

And as far as The Bagel’s concerned, it’s a yes. Cisse got a shit deal at Liverpool, where he still managed to score 19 goals despite his evil leg break and constantly being played out of position. The dude scores almost every other game for Marseille and I could quite handle him as a second stringer. He’s certainly as good as the Little ex-Yiddo who I would have happily kept and don’t even get me started on Sergei Bent.

Here’s a little reminder of what the 26-year-old can do…

…not convinced…

He may not be Berbatov but a good player nonetheless.

Speaking of the great man, Milan president Adriano Galliano has now decided that he’s not going to bother with the beautiful Bulgarian after Levy & Co. apparently knocked back his £20m. Of course, I’d out about as much stock in that as I would the rumours that Ronaldinho is going to sign for us. Galliano’s playing games. He’d have Berbs but doesn’t want to pay the extra £5m-10m we’re after. Sure there’s Drogba and others on his list but the question is, who’s going to want to play for AC Milan?

To end today on a coupe of good notes, firstly, it looks as if Adel Towelbat is going on loan to the Baggies. They’ve just lost the fantastic Zoltan Gera - you’d never guess I was a fan - to Fulham, which is an excellent bit of business for the Cottagers, and they’re going to need a new attacking midfielder to fill those boots.

He’ll fuck up something chronic at first, giving away possession left, right and centre but it’s just the kind of training he needs to become a good player. I still believe in Adel, but then I suppose I’ve as yet to see Johnny Two Saints in action, which brings me onto the other good news - well, it’s just fluffing really. Our new signing has said:

“It’s a dream to come to a big club like Spurs. I came here because of the passion of the fans, the size of the club and I can see us growing in the future.”

The little charmer, full of shit but what the hell, it’ll buy him a few games until the crowd finally turns on him.

I need a bagel. You’re it, until you’re dead or I find someone better.

The Bagel.

Thankfully, the latest noises, as I lean down with my ear to the railway lines, are that the rumours of his imminent arrival are way shirt of the mark. Thank God. During the same conversation I had with my West Ham friend at the weekend about wages, his opinion on Anton Sidebottom was, and I quote, “average at best”. Even if I could bear the central defender’s character, it’s just an incredible waste of cash.

If you want to know why I dislike Ferdinface so much, it was after a Cribs episode I stumbled upon whilst employed and far too stoned to even look for the remote, let alone work out what channel might best suit my mood. It was Nigel Reo-Cokercabana’s holiday home. He came across a really arrogant, tasteless, little tit but Ferdinand was just as bad; his little partner in crime on the sofa. Come to think of it, he didn’t really do anything wrong. I just don’t like him.

It remains to be seen if we chose to make this particular mistake but at least one thing is 100% clear today. We ain’t getting’g Eto’o. The 27-year-old Indomitable Lion took himself gracefully out of the running and said:

“Tottenham, and I hope the English fans will forgive me, are a club in mid-table and I need more.”

Fair enough. He’s honest, and we can’t really argue with it, and besides, that’s put just right. “Tottenham are in mid-table”. We are. Thats’ very different from saying we’re a mid-table club. It just happens to be where we are right now. In a couple of months we’ll be in a relegation dogfight - well, at least until we play our first game of the season.

The funny thing is, if you look at Eto’o’s quote another way, it could mean “I would need more money to go there.” We’re not going to offer it but it doesn’t mean he won’t end up at Man City, particularly if the Sky Blues do end up paying Ronaldinho £200,000 per week.

The sideline that’s really beginning to blow me away is our efforts to sign one or two new goalkeepers. In fact the reason we’re being linked with so many is because it’s two that we’re after. Today we can add Celtic’s Polish keeper Artur Boric and Italian U21 giant and Brescia’s blocker Emiliano Viviano to the list that’s longer than both my arms and those of Mr Tickle. Speaking of which, I reckon the orange fella would make a pretty good No.1. Check out the reach…

Right, we’re adding Tickle too. I’ll do them all together. Boruc is 28, 6′4″, weighs 13st 4lbs and you can see him in action for Poland on the Euros. Viviano is 22, 6′5″, weighs 13st 11lbs and you can see him in the Serie A playoff finals. Tickle is 37 this year, is wider than he is tall, weighs more than Mr Small and less than Mr Bump and you can see him in the pages of the Mr Men books since Roger Hargreaves 8-year-old son asked his father what a tickle looks like.

Here are their heads…

…Mr Stretch…

…Mr Tall, and

…well, I think you get the idea.

Frankly, I’d rather any of them then Allan McGregor but I’d imagine that Boruc would be No.1, Viviano is for No.2 (or squad equivalent) and Tickle entirely for The Bagel’s imagination and perhaps a few Junior Spurs. The only trouble is that the arse want Boruc too and he does seem like a good choice. Accoring to Oog he’s one of the best keepers in the world, although that was seconds before he spilled a shocker into his own net against Hibs around 8 months ago. I’ll get a poll going on these keeper candidates soon enough and, yes, Mr Tickle will be included.

She’s not outside eating bagels, that’s for sure.

The Bagel.