Beef Bagel

Thanks for posting that last comment Brownpants, I was just about to have a heart attack after I read we were supposedly considering a swap deal of Little Aaron Lennon (!) plus cash (!!) for Anton Frigging Ferdinand (!!!). What a nasty thought.

Thankfully, there’s nothing quite as horrific in the rest of the days news, although there is a hell of a lot of quick business, in which case, I shall get to it quickly.

We can knock one keeper out of the running as can every other mo-fo that was after Bolton blocker Jussi Jaaskelainen, which is a bit of a shame. Clearly a glutton for punishment or under some hideous delusion that the Trotters are going to be good again, his agent Peter Harrison has come out and said that the Finnish loon has gone and done the unthinkable by extending his contract at the Reebok.

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That’s how I feel when I read all the rumours about that Ferdinand creature being top of Comolli’s defensive shopping list at £6m pounds. You know, probably not bad in the air with his paper mache head but pretty much all he’s got aside the really annoying voice.

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Apologies for the interruption over the weekend - server issues but normal Beef Bagel service has resumed once more. Good work on signing up to Twitter those that have. What we all need to do is follow each other and make sure your mobile phones are set up to receive updates from our community. Then, if anyone spots any hot Spurs news - no pun intended - you can post it on Twitter via SMS through your phone or from computer. Then everyone else will receive the news through SMS and we’ll all be up to date wherever we are, and that includes if you’re abroad. The only cost at all is if you post a comment - a Tweet, I believe they’re called - by text and that’s just whatever your normal text cost is.

So, obviously if we sign anyone, any particularly hot rumours, if you see a player out and about or anything you see or hear that other Spurs fans would want to know about, then Twitter it. Now, to make sure you know who’s part of our community and who to follow, we can all use the same picture. This one…

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I suppose with our chat, that we’ve all still been enjoying this morning, I should actually give Rangers keeper Allan McGregor the full Bagel, you know, seeing as the Perfect Juan is supposedly preparing a £9m bid for the Hugh Hefner of goalies.

Allan James McGregor was born on the streets of Edinburgh. Well, in one of the hospitals more likely but it makes him sound tough but tough he must be because at 6′ tall he’s effectively a midget in the keeping world and he’s not even 12 stone either; 11st 9lbs is what I’m reading and that makes him about the size of a Chimbonda minus the corn rolls. Here’s his head…

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Well, it’s official, the rumour mill has exploded. The sails lie half buried in the earth, the grindstone in orbit and nonsensical fractured jumbles of stories litter blogs, websites and pages of the world. “Midfield wonderkid Michael Dawson to join Bronby on 7-year contract loan for 300,000 quid a week,” “Ronaldo to decide his future by yesterday as Stoke come in for the veteran keeper,” and “Sven Goran Eriksson takes over as Mexico boss.”

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This is ridiculous.

11.47am - Tottenham Hotspur FC official site

Bostock Joins Club! (I added the !)

We are delighted to announce that we have reached agreement with John Bostock to join the Club.

Then some background blurb that we already know and in not nearly enough detail. Then some words from our sponsor Mr It’s my make or break summer, Damien Comolli. He said:

“We are very pleased that John has decided to join us. We know he has the talent but we also know he is only 16 and so we will not rush him. He will have time to develop and will be working within a very talented development squad.”

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Rather tricky to know where to start today. Ah yes, I know. Last night as I prepared my last minute-reduced, oven cook chicken with sausage stuffing Sainsbury’s ready-meal (I wouldn’t recommend it by the way) and steamed carrot for one in preparation for the England vs US friendly in place of the Apprentice, I had some words echoing around my head, “…until tonight when you have your asses handed to you”. I think it ran something like that. Hang on, let me check…

…oh no, I’m wrong it was:

“Enjoy getting your national ass handed to you by Team USA at Wembley tomorrow.” as written by America.

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So come on then, let’s get all defensive. Yep, looks like we’re inches away from two electric, young lefties. Giovanni Dos Santos, or Johnny Two Saints as he’s be known over here, is in the mood for some Ramos tutelage for around £12.5m despite persuasion from West London and Diego Capel would seemingly be ours if we didn’t drive such a bloody hard bargain. Word has it the deals all kushte apart from the 2.5m euro tax bill that we’d like to split with Sevilla. Next thing you know, we’re going to start getting other clubs to pay for the flights and any overweight luggage too.

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I don’t think I’ve ever known the transfer season to move so damn quickly. We’ve got more links than a seaside golf course, so I’m going to have to talk about the stuff that’s looking genuine only - for now.

You’ll have to excuse me if I’m a little curt today. I’ve just been on the phone to Ikea, suffering the torture of the Greensleeves hold music only to be cut off twice when I was trying to give me order number. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of screaming obscenities down the phone at someone going, “Hello? Hello? Is there anyone there?”, particularly when you forget you’re in a quiet office. I’m getting some slightly frightened looks.

Now, the rumour that’s got me all a-twitter is the resurfacing of the one from Christmas over Lyon’s Brazilian striker, Dave. The 24-year-old big man striker looks like a reasonable, if likely expensive and probably not as good, replacement for Dimitar the Great and may well even come with the sulky attitude to match. All we have to do is stick a wig on his head tied up with a shoelace and no one will even notice.

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I had to get the gag in one more time as it now looks pretty certain that Catalonia’s favourite Cameroonian will be heading to Inter in the coming weeks and not the sunny climes of N17.

The cover is that we wouldn’t offer the £120,000 per week he wanted despite matching his Barcelona deal of £107,000. Admittedly, Barca pay him a bonus as well but who’s really going to quibble about £13,000 when we’re already talking five figures? No, the real story lies in that he doesn’t want to come to us. Probably due to the fact that Inter were crowned Serie A champions for the third year in a row the other day and have CL football, whereas we were mucking about in mid-table when it all finished and have only the UEFA Cup and Luka Modric to to drag in to any negotiations we enter.

The poor guy must dread every rumour in the papers. “Luka!” Comolli shouts. “I know,” comes the tired reply in Croatian accent, “get my passport.”

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