Beef Bagel

That’s how I feel when I read all the rumours about that Ferdinand creature being top of Comolli’s defensive shopping list at £6m pounds. You know, probably not bad in the air with his paper mache head but pretty much all he’s got aside the really annoying voice.

Thankfully, the latest noises, as I lean down with my ear to the railway lines, are that the rumours of his imminent arrival are way shirt of the mark. Thank God. During the same conversation I had with my West Ham friend at the weekend about wages, his opinion on Anton Sidebottom was, and I quote, “average at best”. Even if I could bear the central defender’s character, it’s just an incredible waste of cash.

If you want to know why I dislike Ferdinface so much, it was after a Cribs episode I stumbled upon whilst employed and far too stoned to even look for the remote, let alone work out what channel might best suit my mood. It was Nigel Reo-Cokercabana’s holiday home. He came across a really arrogant, tasteless, little tit but Ferdinand was just as bad; his little partner in crime on the sofa. Come to think of it, he didn’t really do anything wrong. I just don’t like him.

It remains to be seen if we chose to make this particular mistake but at least one thing is 100% clear today. We ain’t getting’g Eto’o. The 27-year-old Indomitable Lion took himself gracefully out of the running and said:

“Tottenham, and I hope the English fans will forgive me, are a club in mid-table and I need more.”

Fair enough. He’s honest, and we can’t really argue with it, and besides, that’s put just right. “Tottenham are in mid-table”. We are. Thats’ very different from saying we’re a mid-table club. It just happens to be where we are right now. In a couple of months we’ll be in a relegation dogfight - well, at least until we play our first game of the season.

The funny thing is, if you look at Eto’o’s quote another way, it could mean “I would need more money to go there.” We’re not going to offer it but it doesn’t mean he won’t end up at Man City, particularly if the Sky Blues do end up paying Ronaldinho £200,000 per week.

The sideline that’s really beginning to blow me away is our efforts to sign one or two new goalkeepers. In fact the reason we’re being linked with so many is because it’s two that we’re after. Today we can add Celtic’s Polish keeper Artur Boric and Italian U21 giant and Brescia’s blocker Emiliano Viviano to the list that’s longer than both my arms and those of Mr Tickle. Speaking of which, I reckon the orange fella would make a pretty good No.1. Check out the reach…

Right, we’re adding Tickle too. I’ll do them all together. Boruc is 28, 6′4″, weighs 13st 4lbs and you can see him in action for Poland on the Euros. Viviano is 22, 6′5″, weighs 13st 11lbs and you can see him in the Serie A playoff finals. Tickle is 37 this year, is wider than he is tall, weighs more than Mr Small and less than Mr Bump and you can see him in the pages of the Mr Men books since Roger Hargreaves 8-year-old son asked his father what a tickle looks like.

Here are their heads…

…Mr Stretch…

…Mr Tall, and

…well, I think you get the idea.

Frankly, I’d rather any of them then Allan McGregor but I’d imagine that Boruc would be No.1, Viviano is for No.2 (or squad equivalent) and Tickle entirely for The Bagel’s imagination and perhaps a few Junior Spurs. The only trouble is that the arse want Boruc too and he does seem like a good choice. Accoring to Oog he’s one of the best keepers in the world, although that was seconds before he spilled a shocker into his own net against Hibs around 8 months ago. I’ll get a poll going on these keeper candidates soon enough and, yes, Mr Tickle will be included.

She’s not outside eating bagels, that’s for sure.

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 10th, 2008 at 2:19 pm and is filed under Bagel News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.