Beef Bagel

We still own him. It’s so miserably depressing. If I were American, I’d talk about a bad penny that always turns up but the way I see it, Hossam Boutros Boutros Ghaly is more like Tutankhamun’s curse. We dug the fucker up and now we can’t get rid of him.

To begin with Box Head Paul Jewell was pleased to have the mardy ‘Gypo on loan and hoped he’d eventually sign. Of course, a few months and backstage temper tantrums later and the Derby gaffer’s tune has changed to a wonderfully understated…

“Hossam has played his last game for us now, I think, and we will be looking elsewhere.”

I imagine he splintered a few teeth gritting them through those words.

So, what do we do with the useless midfielder? Just like West Ham and their £3m golden handshake offers, we could try to cut our losses by doing the same or perhaps using the money we’d spend on Ghaly’s wages to hire a hitman? Christ, I’m sure we could find a bloke and monkey wrench on the High Road who’d do the for a couple of seats in the East Upper.

On whom we’re sure to shed in the next week or too is Oriental Racial Stereotype who hasn’t had a look in since Ramos arrived. I feel a little sorry for ORS. Everyone’s got their shit player that no one else likes and he’s The Bagel’s. I still think he’s a darn sight better than Jamie O at left-back and I’d pick him over the Right Gilberto any day - any day so far. Come to think of it, where the hell has Bonders been for the past month? We know he’s for the off too but no playing him is another matter.

ORS has been strongly linked with PSV, whence we got him and there was interest from Roma last time around, so you never know. He’s definitely taking his Jesus freaky ways somewhere after his words in the Korean Times (like the English one but several hours ahead).

“This is a point in my life that I need a change and I must make the best decision for myself,” he said.

“The most important thing for me is to be happy and have fun playing on the pitch. It doesn’t matter where I play.”

Yeah? Good because it won’t be with us. And the wage bill lightens. Speaking of which, I read that Ramos was taking the far more pragmatic approach to the wheeling and dealing than Levy & Co. by chucking away players at significant losses in order to make up new transfer fees based on the money we’d save on the wages.

On that basis, if we sold Sergie Bent for £8m, it’d only take us 197.5 weeks to get back to where we were. Half a year? I’d take it.

On the other end of things Daniel Levy is flying out to Barcelona this weekend to personally orchestrate the deal for 27-year-old Samuel Eto’o. Here his, Stansted airport, phone, bags, paper; looks like business to me…

…in fact I’d wager that sports bag contains £20m in cash that he’ll tip out in dramatic fashion on the table at the Nou Camp. The Catalan club want £27m but after Sam’m was heartily booed by the fans following the weekend game at Mallorca, they may listen to a little less. I doubt we’ll get him for £20m but it looks like Levy wants him and I’m thinking £23.5m in as many installments and dozen 5-1 mugs should do the trick.

Incidentally - well not incidentally at all, I should have said - General Levy’s face-to-face tactics were used to bag Luka the Mod (love the Quadrophenia reference, Ali I think it was?), so when we see the boss buy his ticket, there’s a good chance we’ll get out man.

As we know, Eto’o is after £100k/week, which is going to be tricky but Jimmy no Skype (nee Baby) was telling me the other day that we’re looking for someone to sponsor his earnings. Not quite sure how it’ll work in practice but we’ll see. The Bagel still has reservations as to how the slight striker will fare in the Prem but he or Villa is probably as good as we can hope for to step into Dimi’s boots.

“The Premier League is a top league,” said’d Sam’m, “So to play there will be fantastic and a good challenge. I want to be a ‘Pichichi’ [top scorer] there as well. I am a top player and I can play in any country.”

I hope so and whatever mine and his opinion, both Juande and the staff at Inter thinks so to. We have competition but it looks like Eto’o’s’s made up his mind.

Right, I’m starting with defenders tomorrow because I never get round to them. Instead meet 20-year-old Bolivian striker, Marcelo Moreno Martins. He’s 6′2″ and he plays for Brazilian club Cruzeiro where he’s netted a staggering 19 goals in just 32 appearances this season. Here’s his head…

giving it his trademark one-kneed machine gun celebration. Seriously. Really hope we get to see that. Been sorely missing this type of thing since Keano hung up his somersault.

Apparently we’ve already had a £4m bid knocked back by his club who said it was “way short” of expecations. Shaktar Donesk have offered £6m but I suspect £7m-£8m is what they were after.

Liverpool are in for him as well and we’re going to have a tough old summer going head to head with the Red Machine for all our targets. We are after their place in the league, it should be of small surprise we’re after their players as well.

I haven’t watched the last one, so it could be porn if you’re lucky and 6 minutes of it too. Is it my imagination or are the Liverpool fans in the firs clip? Oh, and did I mention that I don’t think we’ll sign him?

And as if this wasn’t enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other bagels took turns pissing into the bitch’s ocular cavities. This way to the snack bar.

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 15th, 2008 at 2:21 pm and is filed under Bagel News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.