Beef Bagel

Rather tricky to know where to start today. Ah yes, I know. Last night as I prepared my last minute-reduced, oven cook chicken with sausage stuffing Sainsbury’s ready-meal (I wouldn’t recommend it by the way) and steamed carrot for one in preparation for the England vs US friendly in place of the Apprentice, I had some words echoing around my head, “…until tonight when you have your asses handed to you”. I think it ran something like that. Hang on, let me check…

…oh no, I’m wrong it was:

“Enjoy getting your national ass handed to you by Team USA at Wembley tomorrow.” as written by America.

Now, just in case you think I’m about to get all “in yer face” about this, I have absolutely no right whatsoever as officially speaking I don’t support England’s national football side. I gave up on them around the time that sodding band started playing at every game. Did you hear them playing the Indiana Jones theme tune last night, by the way?

Yes, England broke my heart long ago when they became incredibly shit despite having good players. Nothing more frustrating than that. Once I saw them as a motley bunch of badly performing players I normally hate, it rather took the fun out of it. So, yeah, England won despite being dull, only because team USA was abject, and oh boy am I glad we didn’t waste our money on Freddy Adu, unless of course he suffers the same as all of the England players too.

Oog and I were having a little word this morning and he mentioned that John “two-time loser” Terry dedicated his goal to the Chelsea fans and I don’t even know how to begin ridiculing that, perhaps apart from the fact that of imagining what a slap in the face it must have been for all who follow West London’s least liked team. I’m sure they all feel chuffed to bits that a Two Time Tel thinks meaningless header at Wembley has made up for all their heartbreak. What an utter fool as their very own hero rubs their faces in it.

But enough of meaningless international football. Actually, no. Just a little more. It turns out that Tottenham target Tarik Elyounussi scored for his native(ish) Norway last night against Uruguay with one of the poxyest tap-ins you’ll ever see. Still scoring on your debut is a very good omen, especially when the Little (ex)Yiddo still can’t quite banish his nerves. Of course, all that means in real terms is that he’ll cost another mill, besides, I really don’t think we’re serious about this cat anyway. We’ve still got giant psychopath Tomas Pekhart waiting in the wings as far as youth strikers go.

On a bit of downer, French wonder keeper in waiting Hugo Lloris has put pen to paper in Lyon despite his flattering comments about our club and Milan. So, it’s just down to the other 180 goalies on the list and I really hope we don’t sign Joe Hart.

My favourite story of the day is from the father of soon-to-be Tottenham teenager, John Bostock, who’s explained why his son will be coming our way. He said:

“If John was leaving Crystal Palace for money, he would’ve gone to the biggest and richest club in the world, which he could have done.”

“You can name a big club in England rumoured to be interested in him and it’s a fact. There was great interest from Barcelona but from a family point of view it was never an option because John wasn’t going to leave London.”

“But John turned down the richest club in the world and he chose instead to go to the club where he believes he will develop best.”

Yeah baby, and that’s us.

For The Bagel though, it still didn’t quite add up. “He’s still not going to play, whether he comes to Chelsea or us. He’ll be rotting in the reserves for years,” I said to myself as a twiddled my imaginary beard and posed as Rodin’s “The Thinker”.

And then I saw his father’s name - Michael Brown. Of course. Once a Yiddo, always a Yiddo (Campbell aside) and it seems the fans’ favourite hard man midfielder has been training us a son all this time to do what he never could. Thank you Mickey.

Another deal on the brink appears to be Richard Dunne for £5m. According to the Mail Levy & Co. beat off Aston Villa and Portsmouth for the chunky defender’s singature, so don’t ever say our owner isn’t prepared to take one for the team and of course it does leave me with my favourite question of: who’s going to pay for the dry-cleaning?

Diego Capel is another on the edge although Sevilla club president and friend of the Spurs Thingybob Del Nido has come up with a whole bunch of weird statements on the matter. He said:

“From the discussions with his agents, I have no news if Tottenham are going to pay his buy-out clause, which is €15,6 million (£12.3 million)”

“And I ask: Would a foreign club use the clause in Spain?

“Clubs have asked for three or four players from our squad, but we do not put them on the market.”

“f there are players with low buy-out clauses who could leave, as it happened with [Seydou] Keita [and Barcelona], the club can come and see me on Tuesday.”

“The one we chose last year was Boateng, the second one was Keita and our scouts went to Germany and France but we offered half the money Tottenham proposed for Boateng.”

Make of that gibberish what you will but I’d still wager that Capel’s in the bag unlike the royal fuck up for the Moreno fiasco. The Bolivian Brazilian who looked a real prospect has gone of to Shahktar after our shilly-shallying and so back we go to the striking drawing board.

Last of all MJ’s got himself in the news for all the wrong reasons with a bunch of headlines that the press would have us believe equate “Jol says Spurs fans are all cunts and they smell”.

In fact what he said was that we or an other non-Big Four in the Prem just don’t have the cash to compete for the CL spots. He said:

“It’s not realistic for Tottenham to be top four because the financial differences are too much.”

“Everton were the last club to do it and that was merely a one-off.”

Be offended is you must but I still love him.

You get a goddamn bagel before sundown, or we’re shipping you off to military school with the goddamn Finkelstein-shit kid! Son of a bitch!

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 29th, 2008 at 2:18 pm and is filed under Bagel News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.