The Black Spider
Ok, this has gone too far. First we’re offered a DVD of the 5-1 demolition of them down the road, then special Carling Cup Final shirts, then a DVD of that game, a Carling Cup winners shirt, the programme Wembley, assorted scarves plus a million and one mugs, t-shirts, breakfast cereals, sleeping bags, flame-throwers and Moira Stewart warmers. Enough with the fucking merchandising you bloody vampires. See now, they’ve announced a special commemorative 100 page programme for tomorrow night and the problem is, I’m weak. I want one. Look at it…
…it’s beautiful. I feel so torn. On the one hand it makes me want to vomit, on the other I want to smother my naked body in club memorabilia, then walk around the streets taped up in club nick-naks singing “We are Tottenham, Super Tottenham from the Lane.” God damnit.
The positive side is that we should have a shit load of cash to spend on players for next season. I reckon we’ve probably written off our losses on Sergei Bent with mug sales alone. Actually, if anyone I know is reading this, a 5-1 mug would go down very nicely for Christmas, but hurry while stocks last!
The good news ahead of tomorrow’s game is that King/Woody partnership, which sounds rather like a large erection and to be honest it very nearly gives me one, will be back in time for our big match. The pair are being cracked out of cryogenic stasis as we speak and laid in velvet and rose petals until an hour before kick off. The Good Gilberto should be just about fit in time for selection as well, according to Drill Sergeant Alvarez. Apparently the Brazilian has been “holding an injured calf since he arrived at the club” which sounds rather heavy and must make it fairly difficult to run up and down the wing, particularly when it wants milk. Looking forward to finally seeing Tottenham’s first Samba Boy and my best wishes to the calf. Get well soon.
But however we line up against the Dutch league leaders, goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes is confident that his team can do what it takes. He said:
“Last year we eliminated arsenal from the Champions League in London and hopefully we can repeat the achievement”
Well yes, I hope so too, but that’s rather ambitious seeing as they’re in a different competition and will probably still be in Milan anyway. Good luck to you though, Heurelho. You have our full support.
“It will be a tough game against Spurs. It’s almost like a Champions League tie if you look at the quality of the two teams.”
He said it, not me.
“They are a very offensive team,”
What? How dare you?
“But I have no fear of playing them in London. We have experienced more intimidating atmospheres.”
Yes, and we’ve played better teams. So there. PSV will certainly be no push overs. In fact, it’s going to be tough; just how tough we’ll examine at tomorrow.
In the mean time it’s transfers dealings with a little follow up in Espanyol and Cameroon No.1, Carlos Kameni, and it seems we’re not the only interested party with the Chewing Gum Machine looking for long-term replacement from the ageing Van der Saar and his own second molars. I wasn’t that bothered about Kameni before but now I know that someone else fancies him, I’m really keen.
The 24-year-old is said to prefer the idea of the Lane - good man - and may be bringing his keeping coach with him as we’ve been looking for a new one since the departure of Hans Seger who, let’s face it, helped turn Robbo shit. Said coach goes by the name of Thomas N’Kono, former Cameroon No.1 himself who, get this, was named African Player of the Year in 1979 and 1982 and named as one of the best keepers at the World Cup in 1982. Here’s his head…
…straight out of a Pannini sticker album and here’s his head again…
…getting arrested the 2002 African Cup of Nations semi-final against hosts Mali for allegedly using black magic and having a charm in his pocket at the time. I shit you not. Incidentally, Cameroon won the game 3-0 and went on to lift the trophy. Be afraid arsenal, be very afraid.
Ramos said he’ll wait till the summer before he chooses a coach and it’d make a lot of sense to pick the guy the takes care of the keeper we sign as well, particularly if he’ll hex our enemies on the side. Oh, and the best thing about N’Kono, his nickname is the Black Spider. Love it.
You idiots! These are not them. You’ve captured their stunt bagels!
The Bagel.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
This is the best/funniest written blog ive seen in a while.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Thank you, Nick. Very kind. Glad to welcome you to our gang.
The Bagel.
March 5th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Are PSV the same side that knocked us out last season ?
Are they the same side that gave us a good scare during the 2003-2004 season in the group stages ?
The simple answer to that question is a blank no.
Alex has left to fill his coffers and polish the bench with the seat of his pants at Chelsea and the great team of 2003-2004 has long since disappeared, the likes of van bommel (bayern) park ji song (manure) wilfred bouma (villa) philip cocu (barca) and lee young poo (darren bent retirement fund fc) have long since departed a once fine and very dangerous opponent.
Graham Taylors best mate Ronald Koeman helds the reins at the club and things were looking to change round, but Valencia came calling an off he popped.
The team nowadays resembles a collections of has-beens, never were’s and never will be’s all thrown together and mixed with a sprinkling of carlos kickaball types from brazil. The goalkeeper Gomes is a bit of a class act though, unlike any similarly positioned players currently haunting the spuds dressing room.
You should have no problem finishing them off providing you still are not suffering hangovers from glory days past, sorry, glory day past. I imagine a new highlights video, new shirt, new club sponsor etc etc should you manage anything more than a loss.
Bagels right, you’re getting creamed, and it makes you sick, but how can you complain ?
Btw- will someone please confirm that Darren Bent is not getting £88K a week - surely it must be a wind up.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Ki ki our wage cap is around 50k. Its a wind up jus like the tatoo thing that happened a few weeks before the cc.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Great post, good luck tomorrow Yids!
March 5th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
To my knowledge Woodgate recently joined Keano and Ledders as the clubs highest earners on 60k a week so no the Bent wage rumours can’t be true.
March 5th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
And fuck it, I’m getting one of those programs
March 5th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Well like I say, we’ll be having a look at the PSV team tomorrow and I think we’ll decide just how worthy a victory over them would be. It’s rather easy position to take a team, lower them as much as possible so you can sit and take some sort of perverse credit if we overcome them.
They may not have Alex but they haven’t sold their entire set up.
The Bagel.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Someone remarked on a different Spurs forum that we’ve now got a decent squad if you cut away the chaf.
I have to dispute that. We clearly don’t have a decent squad yet. We’ve got a very decent Starting XI with a few good subs. We don’t have nearly the depth that we need to be able to choose our matches (like against Brum).
I just hope that King-Woody can be fit a lot more of the time or at least partner one with Dawson (who plays well when he’s got a decent partner) or Kaboul (who.. Ok Kaboul is special).
When one of those two aren’t on the field it’s like watching October repeats.