Beef Bagel

Here I am. I do enjoy a long weekend and this one has been so deliciously long. Took the night off work on Thursday and went down to the dogs at Walthamstow Stadium - lost around 20 quid but picked - spent a night on the lash with Oog on Friday, but I’ll leave him to tell you more about that, and it was down to serious or semi-serious business on Saturday, and as matter of fact, Sunday with a spot of footy.

So, Pompey, eh? Nicely done is the way to sum up that encounter. They came, offered very little and missing half their squad who can blame them? I’m sure many of you caught it on Sky but if you didn’t it was a fairly dry affair until around the 70th minute when Juande played his hand and went what appears to be three at the back by bringing on Sergei Bent (fast trying to shed his new name) and Jamie O for tired looking combo of Safety First Michael Dawson and the beleaguered Little Aaron. It worked, we won, here it is…

…as I say, nicely done. It wasn’t a riveting encounter but there was something of the professional about our team. WE didn’t play spectacular football but we passed well, we kept the ball well, we defended well, we didn’t panic and we didn’t lose patience - easy said than done against a side known as one of the best away from home this season, who I might add we’ve now done the double over. But you knew all this, I’m sure there was a point….

…Oh yes; a couple of things. Two things you will not have picked up on TV were the Pompey fans singing our song for the Little ex-Yiddo, only missing the second half of the lyrics:

“Jermain Defoe, Jermain Defoe, Jermain Defoe, Jermain Defoe”

So, out of respect for our much loved striker of old and to teach these Skates how it’s done the whole stadium sang back the real version.

But the real chant of the day - and it took me to hear it to notice - happened around the time we were 2-0 up and the Park Lane piped up to the away the quiet away section with the famous, “Where’s the wanker with the bell?” song (to the tune of You’re not singing any more). Yes, that’s right either our old friend John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood was absent or stuffed that bell so far into his rectum on e smuggling it onto the Lane that he was unable to get it out again. But there wasn’t so much as a muffled tinkle by the time we were done with the soundly beaten south-coasters.

The other point of interest comes out of Grand Slam Super Sonic Ultimate Mega-Bastard Sunday Spectacular or however the clearly rigged occasion was billed. Good results all round for anyone of the non-arse persuasion but the point comes in the press reports, as pointed out by my father, the Pita Bread, a Spurs fan and rabid supporter of Avram Grant - I know, I know, I’ve tried to point it out to him. Ramos makes two subs that change and win the game and he’s a genius, which of course he is, but Grant does the same and his decision is considered suspect and lucky. That doesn’t sound too fair. Admittedly, I don’t think Belletti had a lot to do with it but you can’t deny Anelka’s influence. Right that’s enough. Backing up Grant is one thing but that felt really dirty even typing A..no I can’t do it again.

Right, to the real news of the day and yes, that means transfers. First up there’s a couple of rumours in the out-tray that have about as much substance Arsene Wenger’s spine. God, that felt dirty as well. There’s one doing the rounds about the Man Mountain going off to Slackburn or Bolton or some other dark corner of the North West where all that lie between smokey mills and ship yards and football pitches made of cobblestones, broken bottles and Hovis crusts. The other is of Safety First’s possible transfer request given interest from Keegan’s Toon Army. A note on both of these stories:

Neither are based on anything other than speculation. There are no direct quotes. The Dawson story started after Keegan showed some appreciation of our fearless defender and spotted a man with the heart to match his own. The Big Bad Tom story is a re-hash of one from the beginning of the season when Mark Hughes showed similar appreciation. I can understand the Huddlestone rumour making sense at the time but he’s starting to play damn and I’ll eat a plate of arsenal painted shit if he goes anywhere before next season. Dawson may go in the summer and he may go to Newcastle but it certainly wont be out of choice. Until we sign another shit hot defender, there’s no way our back up option - who sits waiting behind two of the most injury-prone footballers out there - is going to leave a club where he wins stuff and plays in Europe for a bunch of losers like the Barcodes. Cash would be one option but I don’t think that’s Daws’s bag and besides, so what if Keegan’s after him? Who says Keegan will be in charge by the summer anyway? These stories my friends, the sloppiest of sloppy journalism, like the floor of a fish gutting factory before cleaning day.

But if you think journalists can be rubbish then how about football agents as well? The Bagel’s Man of the Day is the front man for Tottenham’s target keeper, Carlos Kameni. By the way, does anyone else find it odd that a Cameroonian should have the name Carlos? It sounds rather like they couldn’t pronounce his real name in Spain and decided to call him Charlie. Anyway, his agent Bruno Satin (very apt name), has been bigging up his man with the most transparent and terrible way. To bump up his client’s price, and therefore his own cut, Mr Satin said:

“He is in big demand because there are not many better young goalkeepers around.”

Stirring stuff. See, to me, that sounds like:

“Well, there’s no one else, so that given Carlos is the best you’re going to get. Not sure I would though.”

Having succeeded in jacking the price up, Satin then works his magic to get a quick sale by creating the illusion of demand. He says:

“It is true that there is interest from some clubs in England and Spain in Carlos. I have had contact with a number of clubs, but nothing is decided as yet.”

Interest from England and Spain? Contact from a number of clubs? So, the interest from England would us and the interest in Spain Espanyol, which would make the number of clubs 2. Brilliant. Well, that’s it I’m sold. I’m getting on the phone to Daniel Levy right now. Quick Daniel, get Comolli into the Spurs-copter right away and over to Barcelona, haven’t you heard? Kameni is average and in no demand whatsoever.

Right, I was going to talk about Senor Fabiano and gentleman we know in Belgium but that’ll have to wait. There’s a been a slab of salt beef on the go back at the Pita Bread’s and the Croissant has offered me a lift. I’m going while the getting’s good. Adieu. Until tomorrow.

Bravo, Mr Bagel. Bravo.

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 25th, 2008 at 2:13 pm and is filed under Bagel News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.