Five
It’s eerily quiet out there. Listen.
Nothing.
Not a sausage.
Nor a bagel.
The deck creaks. The clouds gather and sky darkens the most unnatural of greens. There’s a news storm a-coming. They’ll be a downpour by the end of the week, flashes in the mainsail by the weekend and every man best rope himself to the rigging if he’s to survive whatever comes our way come Monday morning.
There’s a weasley little Chelsea scummer that sits across the desk from me on my night shift. I’m already planning my entrance come 10pm on the 25th. I’m thinking arms high, swaddled in three different Tottenham shirts, chest out in his face and singing, “And it’s Tott-nem Hotspur clap-clap-clap Tottenham Hotspur FC! We’re by far the greatest team the world has ever seen!” Not often you get to sing that one and believe it.
Until then we have to bide our time with mere millimeters of newspaper column print with such revelatory headlines as ‘Woodgate wants Wembley win’. Really. You reckon Sky Sports figured that one out themselves or they had their reporters chasing our new centre-back all over the country for that gem of insider knowledge?
The only vaguely interesting piece of news is that new signing Gilberto is doing his level best to get over his calf injury and bag himself a spot in the starting XI at Wembley. Not a bad debut for our first Brazilian - no minge reference intended. He said:
“I’m going to prepare myself very well and train very hard. I know it is a tough selection for me to play in the final, but we will see.”
Christ, is that it? Is that all we get? These journalists aren’t even bothering are they? Do you think it’s some sort of competition: who can come up with the most banal story and actually get it printed, although I think Reggie Kray managed that with this autobiography “My Life Inside”. Worst book I ever read but I just had to finish the damn thing to be sure. Passages include:
I moved to Belmarsh. Then I moved to Parkhurst. Then Nottingham. The cat sat on the mat. Then it didn’t.
So, instead of this nonsense I’ll bring you one moment each day of past glories against the Wicked Twits of the West, and what better way to being than the last time we managed to beat them and some kind of idea of what it was like when we finally did. Sound required…
They other thing I can do is begin to chip away at the one thousand and one players that have been mentioned in the same sentence as our beloved club since the tranfser window closed. Don’t these people ever stop?
His name is is the Spanish derivative of Jacob but most Englishmen will think it simply means “cheating Argie twat”. Yes, along with Barca, Real, Chelsea, Man U and a few other clubs more likely to get him, oh and Liverpool, we’ve got tabs on Werder Bremen based Brazilian, Diego.
Christened Diego Ribas da Cunha, but somehow being Brazilian entitled to shorten it to just one word - is that because they’ve one more World Cups than anyone else, he’s 5′9″ - which makes him around the size of three Aaron Lennons - but weighs in at 11.5st, which should keep the attacking midfielder hard enough to shove off the ball. Here’s his head…
…getting shoved off the ball. Hmmm.
All the same, the 22-year-old is supposed to be some pretty hot shit. He used to play up front at South American club Santos together with fellow countryman Robinho, where they were named the Famous Two - reportedly the inspiration for Enid Blyton.
Ok, I’ve just watched the clip. He is good. He’s very good, and I hate to so it but he’s got a touch of the Maradona about him. Seriously, I reckon so. He moves with the same weight -although in his case muscle - and the speed and trickery of his legs is very similar. Take a look…
…it’s not hard to see why he’s the most fouled player in Bundesliga. Imagine the mess stroppy arsenal players would make of him if he dared to be better than them. Actually, let’s take a look at that one too. It’s such a satisfying watch…
…No. No, they didn’t like it at all. But I did. I liked it very much indeed. But enough of the fun stuff.
Diego’s been named player of the year in Germany a few hundred times over and funnily enough Bremen are clutching very tightly onto that contract of theirs that keeps the Brazilian in their ranks until 2010. But whatever they say, I can’t see him staying in Germany beyond the summer. I can’t see him coming to us either. My money’s on Barca and even if he did get to the Premiership he’d probably get smashed to pieces, but we can dream.
I fuckin’ ‘ate bagel wardens!
The Bagel.