Beef Bagel

What is the point of having a second goalkeeper if you never use them? Radek Cerny must have been looking at himself every morning in the mirror wondering what else had to happen before he could actually get a game for the first team at Spurs. Robbo’s been under the microscope ever since that goal in Zagreb, with each end every mistake slowly adding up to a problem just too heavy in negatives for it to equal anything else. Should we be sad and upset that he was dropped? No. We’ve got another keeper and if he can play without carrying the ball into his own net or without his own brand of defensive howlers, then he should be used.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that we’ve seen the last of Robbo, in fact I very much doubt we have. His reported fit and chasing of Ramos after he was told that he was being dropped, shouting and screaming, is probably not far from the truth if you saw the glint in Crazy Gus’s eyes when he said:

“Sometimes when you are expecting to play and you realise you don’t, you have a different way of reacting. But that is football.”

“I am saying I like players when they get upset because they show they really care they want to be in the team.”

Hard to tell, though, whether this added injection of fight will make the difference. After all, hasn’t Robbo had enough of a reason to turn his form around since being dropped by England? If losing the national No.1 jersey, why should losing Tottenham’s make any difference, or do the players really care more about their clubs than their countries? I know I do.

Ramos has said he’s not sure who’ll be between the sticks at Stamford Bridge tomorrow but I see no reason to drop Cerny after a perfectly respectable and, more importantly, solid performance but it doesn’t like the Czech keeper will be with us much longer. The 33-year-old’s contract is up at the end of the season and he’s very stoical on the reality of his position. He said:

“In my experience, if a club do not extend your contract six months before it expires they are not interested,”

“At the end of the season I will probably leave and now every match I play is good for me because I have a chance to show myself earn a place somewhere else.”

“I do not feel like I am the number one now. I came as the second keeper and it is very rare that the second keeper goes on to become number one.”

So, if Cerny’s off and Robbo’s out of favour, then who’s in the frame? Do you recall a bagel not so long ago linking our good selves with Dutch No.2 and Ajax No.1 Maarten Stekelenburg? Well, so do the Mirror and they’ve got us pegged to pick the 6′6″ keeper up for around £5m with a possible sale of Robbo to his old England boss, Sven, over at Eastlands, who’s been watching events from his throne room, rubbing his hands together and saying, “Excellent” or perhaps just, “Well-a.”

Hard to tell how much truth there is in it but I’m a firm believer in Scandinavian and Dutch keepers. They’re just so much bigger than anyone else and the added bonus with Scandies is that they simply don’t have nerves. It’s an anatomical fact. Name me one Nordic bottle job.

The reported Ramos cull looks to have stretched even further than Robbo, the Little Yiddo - who I personally believe will stay - and Chimbondabonda, whom I believe it would be a mistake to let go of. Bonders is upset after our well publicised twice courting of the White Cafu, Alan Hutton and has now asked his agent to look for a move away from the club, which is a little unfortunate given that Hutton is clearly waiting to get bought by Man U come the summer. Oh well, Daniel Alves it is and in fact it had better be given that it now looks like we’re trying too get rid of no less than four of our full backs: Bonders, Stalteri, Benoit Who and Oriental Racial Stereotype.

With Bale out for a few months yet and new signing, Chris Gunter, still just 18, we’re not exactly in the best shape to be shedding these players. Thankfully, we’re unlikely to let them go all at once but according to the Times, Comolli is on the hunt for replacements. The tricky part is finding a player of enough quality to buy that isn’t going to turn us down.

One full-back we’ve already got rid of is Phil Ifil who’s just been snapped for a six figure sum by Colchester who must now be largely comprised of ex-Yiddos. The 21-year-old never quite made it as a Lillywhite and now joins Johnnie Jackson, Mark Yeates and Teddy. Truly they can sing “Tottenham is our feeder club” (to the tune of Go West).

On the acquisition side, the oldest transfer story in football rumbles on for the 10th season in a row with Spurs apparently linked to the purchase of Stewart Boredom Downing and I have one question: Would you rather play him than Steeeeeeve? One is a hard working, two-footed, skillful Belgian born Frenchman and he other is Stewart Downing. The Bagel doesn’t want him now, never has and never did. What’s more, the born and bred Teessider doesn’t want to leave. If he wanted to come our way, he would have done so already.

The plot thickens to Joe Cole levels of density when you consider ‘Boro youngster, Adam Johnson, waiting on the fringes for his chance at left wing; Jonathan Woodgate, for whom we’ve reportedly made an offer; Alfonso Alves, who Southgate is after and Brazilian striker Fred who’s been linked with a move to both us and them. Middlesborough do not have the money for all of these players, so when the movers and shakers have moved and shaked, what’s going to be left for us?

Twenty-seven-year-old Woodgate’s credentials are obvious as are our needs for some strength at the back but what do we know of Olympic Lyon’ Fred? For the basics, he’s 24 years old, he’s 6′1″ and nigh on 12 stone - a good size for a big man striker. Here’s his head…

…conducting the Lyon choir.

Amazingly, and slightly disappointingly, for a Brazilian, his nic-name actually makes sense given that he was born Frederico Chaves Guedes. I’m still waiting for footballers from South America going by Dave or Bob. I was going to say Steve but then we already have one of those.

Fred’s known for getting into scoring positions, which I imagine is rather useful as a striker. He’s scores around every other game for his club at the moment and would get the boast on Captain Ledley as the fastest goal scorer in Brazilian football at just 3.17 seconds. He looks good too and doubtless would bring up all the usual Peter Crouch cliches about touching big men. Check the footwork on the replay…

…shame about the dummy. Why do players bother? Remember Sava and that fucking mask he used to keep down his sock. What else are we going to get?

“Oh, I did that because I wanted to dedicate the goal to furnishing our new house,” says some striker as he pulls an entire three piece sweet out of his shorts after tapping home from two yards. Dick heads with their props. How many games do these guys run around with things stuffed in their cracks before they get to bring them out. Has Didier Zee spent the last two seasons concealing an anvil up his arse in order to honour his blacksmith father when he finally gets the ball into the onion bag?

There’s a host of non-top four teams after Fred’s signature and it looks most likely that he’ll stick with France and opt for PSG, which I’m sure will disappoint Lyon and the whacking great transfer fee they’d receive if he crossed the Channel instead. Who knows though. It could prove interesting she he turn up at ours or the Riverside.

But this is all the distant future. Far more pressing is tomorrow’s game at Chelsea and exactly what we’re going to do for a midfield without JJ, Big Bad Tom and Didier Zee; the first two being suspended and the third on holiday. The choice is between Tainio, Prince Kev and O’Hara alongside Steve and Little Aaron and I’m thinking we’ll be seeing Jamie O on the left, and Malbranque (groin) in the middle along with “The Ghetto Kid” Boateng, who I must say has got away without any media pressure really rather well. There was quite some hype over him but so far he’s done nothing good or bad to speak of and if you ask me, that’s the perfect first season for a central midfielder - no ego, no critics.

Chelsea, of course, have problems of their own - well as much as they can anyway. There as soft as they get with no Drogba, Terry or Essien and only Ballack and Sidwell in the middle, which is as much of a chance as we can hope for. Sure no one wins at Stamford Bridge except the Blues but we should be feeling good after the Carling Cup match and let’s face it, someone’s got to beat the cunts.

Am I my brother’s bagel?

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Friday, January 11th, 2008 at 7:52 pm and is filed under Bagel News, Transfer News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.