Beef Bagel

Spurs are victorious away at last, Pompey are beaten, the bell is silenced. Like a good football fan, I watched MOTD2 last night; the last piece of the weekend’s joy. Did Lineker muscle Chiles out of yesterday’s broadcast because of what Sky self-promotingly dubbed “Grand Slam Sunday”, and how many times each year do Sky use that three word phrase? How about “Big Four Sunday” or “Give us all your money Sunday” or simply “I am Murdoch and I own you Sunday”?

Whatever kind of Sunday it was - technically speaking a not good enough Sunday, seeing as Chelsea failed to spank the arse - I did take great pleasure in watching that roving fat bloke reporting on our game from the day before. The best bit of all, and much to my surprise, was to see that the Pompey fans seem to hate that bloody bell too. Someone told me that a few clubs have started to “ban the bell”, which I think is a fantastic name for a campaign to end this aural opression. What’s worse - and I don’t know when this happened - is that he now has a couple of kettle drummers added to his little gang. How long before he’s some sort of ghastly ring master of a cacophonic orchestra of other household instruments? Will he be holding auditions for saw players, washboard scratchers and people who play that ribbed wooden thing that you scrape with a stick?

If you didn’t know, the blue rinsed, clown-like, bell ringer is called John Westwood, or he was until 1994 when he changed his name by deed poll to John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood. “Westwood is regarded by most fans as a symbol of passionate but non-violent commitment to his chosen team,” so says Wikipedia. I, however, regard him as a total cunt. The real problem is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with what he does. Sure, he pisses a few people off but he keeps the fans and his team going. It probably bugs the crap out of opposition players as much as it does their fans. The last thing you want to hear when you’re lining up a crucial free-kick is some dick head jumping up and down with a bell at the kind of frequency associated with early morning alarm clocks and school teachers. And if you’re a Pompey player, what better way to feel comfy on your travels to the stadia of deepest darkest Lancashire than to hear the sounds of Fratton ringing in your ears?

I hate John Portsmouth Football Club Total Cunt Westwood but he represents two very noble attributes of this country: freedom of expression and total, irrational, unbending, full-throttle support for one’s football team and I’m not going to be some football Nazi and tell him that he can’t do it. But, however I feel about him politically, personally, I still think he’s a cunt.

All the bell ringing in the world doesn’t help the fact that they still lost and thank God or Juande Ramos who are fast proving to be one and the same. We did look rather good on Saturday, didn’t we? I was down at the Yucatan to watch it all from the comfort of about 12 different screens, two pints of Guinness and some old Irish bloke, of whom I could only understand every third thing he said. Strangely, it was The Bagel who uttered the immortal pub line, “Is anyone sitting here,” and it was I who hijacked this Irishman’s space at the small cost of a little Spurs banter, which, lets face it, is hardly a chore.

Naturally, the rest of the pub was stacked full of Yiddos and, given that no other local side was playing that day, we largely had the run, and certainly the song, of the entire establishment. It was bums off seats, pints in the air and choruses of “Dimitar Berbatov” with a near match-like atmosphere by the time the beautiful Bulgarian had slotted the winner.

One could not fault our team’s performance; an away win, a clean sheet and, nearly as good, the successful debut of Spurs Academy graduate, Jamie O’Hara. He’s a bit of an ugly spud but it appears the 21-year-old can play football. He’s got muscle, bit of pace, passing ability, a left foot and now a whole load of expectation on his shoulders, but better still, he’s already got a song, “O’Hara! O’Hara! O’Hara!” to the tune of “Who are ya?” - very simple, very effective.

Obviously, one away win does not a season make but it’s a good start. The team looked good, i.e. like a team, and our confidence on the road is testament to the very hard, very physical work that Juande and fitness coach, Marocs Alvarez, have put them through.

“There are fewer gaps opening up and we are a lot stronger,” said JJ.

“Martin Jol was a good manager and did well for the club. What this gaffer decided was he needed to strengthen us up, not just defensively but as a team.”

Interesting. One continues to wonder what else was missing from training other than the bucket loads of fitness work; more skills than drills?

Despite the strengthening of the team as a whole, it’s still widely expected that Senor Ramos has got the fax machine at the ready for winter transfers, which begin in two weeks’ time. We’re still short of back line cover, even if you ignore the issue of wanting better quality players.

It’s been mooted that right-back, Alan Hutton, could be coming our way after Rangers’s exit from the CL and some bright sparks out there are putting two and two together to make four and a half and think that this means Chimbondabonda will finally be getting that move to Chelsea that doubtless he desires. As I say, though, this doesn’t necessarily add up for me given that Ramos likes to Bonders in the middle from time to time just to humiliate the centre-halves and understandably would like some cover for the Frenchman’s natural position when he does so.

On the left hand side, it’s a toss up between Nicky Shorey and Wayne Bridge, depending upon what Chelsea, Newcastle, West Ham and Reading have to say about it. Quite a lot, I should imagaine. It does seem crazy that we’d be looking for a fourth left back in the squad but Bale’s out til March, Lee took a nasty one at Fratton and Benoit Who must be firm friend’s with King Ledley by now because he seems to have been sidelined all season as well. Between the pull of Chelsea and the wage money of the Hammers and the Barcodes, I’ve got a feeling we’ll end up empty handed in this position but in the long term I reckon it’s for the best, at least until we sell one of the others (not Bale).

Of course, if it’s general utility we’re after then look no further than Manchester United and England’s perennially not good enough, Wes Brown. Yes, Fergie may finally part with the company of 28-year-old Wesley, after the Tangoman of football refused to sign a new contract. His current deal runs out in the summer and to avoid a complete loss United my be willing to let him go for a cut price £1m. So, to quote the Mail, “Tottenham have joined the race for Wes Brown.” Like the Grand National, it’ll be. That phone will just not stop ringing or in reality, will it be more like Steve Guttenberg waiting for his next acting job? Said race composes of ourselves, Sunderland, Birmingham and Newcastle because it’s anything they can do to appease the black hole of dissatisfaction that is the Geordie fan base. Yep, just throw another Christian to the lions.

To be fair, I’d have Wes Orange for a million. He’s better cover than Rocha and Baby Face Gardner - well, at a guess - and certainly worth a punt for the price. Somehow it seems more likely that he’ll go to Sunderland for the Roy Keane factor and a guaranteed start. After all, the reason he wants to leave United is because he feels that not playing is harming his England career. I apologise if any of you were eating as you read that. Just stand up, wave your arms and I’m sure a co-worker will be along to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre shortly. My condolences to the family if you happen to work from home. Let’s hope it’s not you youngest child who finds your lifeless corpse. I don’t care what your life insurance is like. Years of costly therapy to undo that kind of trauma.

So, many stories to tell but I’m afraid my brain is starting to melt. I like the sweep-stake/pool idea Greedo and thanks for offering up my season ticket. Very generous of you. Instead, what I propose is this. E-mail me your predictions for Tottenham’s final place at the end of this season and, as a tie-breaker, guess how many points we’ll have. The person who gets the correct place and closest to the points tally will receive free membership of Spurs next season courtesy of Beefbagel.com, along with whatever goodies come with the membership pack. If the winner is a season ticket holder, then I’ll buy them a gift of equivalent value from the Spurs Superstore. How does that grab you?

Entries to: thebagel@beefbagel.com by the end of 2007.

Luck be a bagel tonight.

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 17th, 2007 at 6:04 pm and is filed under Bagel News, Transfer News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.