Beef Bagel

Today both The Bagel and the Tottenham Hotspur team will be flying out to Tel Aviv - separately unfortunately, for them. While Spurs have chartered one of Ryan Air’s Twin Otter aircraft with buy it yourself cardboard snacks and seats next to the rear gunner, I shall be traveling in the relative luxury of a British Airways flight, washing down as much free food as possible with mini after mini of red-wine-for-one in front of whatever motion pictures I have at my eyeballs and fingertips. I don’t remember the last time I flew non-budget. It’s amazing how excited you can get about normal economy class.

Of course none of this would be possible without my father, the Pita Bread, who bank rolled my European away day and didn’t so much as bat an eyelid when his previously rejected offer to come out and visit him in Israel was reversed the minute I realised we’d drawn Hapoel. Cheers dad.

What I’m almost looking forward to as much as the flight and the game itself is the interrogation on arrival at Ben Gurion airport. For some reason or another I usually get stopped by security and quizzed wherever I go. I’m not sure what it is I do - my untidy appearance, being a 20-40 year-old male or the bag of cocaine sellotaped to my forehead, the problem is now that I expect it to happen, I start to get nervous and that just makes me look even more suspicious. By the time I reach customs, I’m usually more sweat than man. Perhaps this time I’ll just be able to seep under the perspex walls and out into the arrivals lounge.

Being questioned by Israeli officials is at least much more interesting than anywhere else. It’s just so professional. Obviously, Defcon 5 is the daily standard and they’re very practised at getting you to talk. All they do is ask you five or six questions but they do it so fast and so firmly that you get caught in the lights and just when they’ve got you in a panic they ask you about something you’ve already said just to trip you up on your own words. I’m determined to get the better of them this time but somehow I know it’s a lost cause and I’ll be telling them about that time I wore women’s underwear - even if I never have - after just 10 seconds.

One player they’ll never catch at the airport is Hossam “Boutros Boutros” Ghaly - had anyone else forgotten that he’s still on our books? The reason is because he’s not even been in the country. He’s been out in Egypt training with his former club, Ahli, getting ready for the Arab Games (Do the events involve Backgammon and the hookah smoke or is it just a question of how many household items you gold plate in a minute?). Just to let us know he still hates us, he’s made it perfectly clear how he feels about the opportunity for a fresh start in North London under the new regime. He said:

“The arrival of Ramos won’t change the situation. It wasn’t only Jol, I also had a lot of troubles with the board and the fans.”

We love you too Hossam. The annoying thing is that he’s just being a mardy little twat. Sure the fans got on his back a bit but if you play like shit, what do you expect. Besides, no one’s going to hold it against you, but throw your shirt to the ground in front of the stadium and on live TV and you’re asking for trouble.

Ghaly’s a reasonable player with bags of skill to perfect if he could actually develop a footballing brain but the loss is all his. Apparently he still holds out hope of signing for another Premiership club. Yeah, well riddle me this Hossam, who’s going to buy a trumped up, smug, semi-talented never-will-be? West Ham it is then.

Even if Ghaly does eventually leave the club, fear not. We may still gain another North African international in our ranks but here’s the trick, we already own him. Younes Kaboul is being stalked by the Moroccan FA in attempts to steal him from under the noses of the French national side. “So what,” I thought originally but then isn’t it the African Cup of Nations in just a few month’s time.

“You’re French and you know you are.” Ring any bells?

One real African that’s got a few clubs’ tongues lolling is Burkina Faso’s finest young midfielder, Charles Kabore. Here’s his head…

…pulling some sort of crazy freestyle African move that doesn’t even involved the ball. A clear technical genius. At least he’s the one on his feet - well, upright anyway.

The 19 year-old is currently plying his trade at French second division club, Libourne Saint-Seurin, and plying it very well. So well in fact that he’s attracted scouts from ourselves, Chelsea and arsenal as well. At the bargain price of around £500k, it’s really up to him where he goes; probably not to us then.

Now on the one hand, we’ve got Juande cooling our January window boots with…

“I won’t ask for signings until I have more information on the squad,”

…but on the other we’ve got stories in the press linking us with yet more players. Personally, I’m inclined to believe Ramos here but seeing as neither of these footballers currently play at Sevilla, I thought it’d be nice to have a look at some profiles all the same. It’s been a little while.

First up, we’ve got the man with the made-up name, Tomas Ujfalusi - any pronunciation ideas on that one? OOO-fa-lucy? However you say it, the dude’s Czech and measures up at 6′1″ and 12st in mass. He’s a 29 year-old central defender. He plays at Fiorentina and occasionally likes to push up to the midfield anchor role. Sounds good so far. Here’s his head…

…chasing up a tasty ankle rake with swift hoof to the knackers. Text book defending. He’ll fit right in.

His contract’s up in the summer and it’s expected he’d going to move. What’s a much larger mystery is where. The list of suitors is as long as that No.14’s stint with ice on his nuts: Tottenham, Blackburn, Sevilla, Zenit St Petersburg, AC Milan, Juventus, Internazionale and Bayern Munich. Any more for any more?

Do we want him? Well, frankly I’m willing to give any centre half a try right now, particularly if he comes on a free. Will we get him? With a list like that, who knows.

The other man of interest, specifically to West Ham and ourselves, is Juventus attacking midfielder, Sergio Bernado Almiron. The 26-year-old Argentine has only made three appearances for the Old Dear of Footy but looked good for it with a goal for his record.

He’s 5′11″ and around 12st and is the son of Sergio Omar Almiron, 1986 World Cup winner who never played a single game in the whole competition. Here are their heads…

…I was going to mock about the family resemblance but actually it’s just the same guy in a wig.

He wont come cheap at around £6m the expected asking price (the younger one, that is) so is he worth it…

…well, not really, no. How tedious. Hammers, you can have him, and Ghaly while you’re at it.

Right, I’ve got to pack. See you on the other side of the Med.

“Bagel, don’t look, just bagel. We got something. I ain’t saying what it is. Just trust me.”

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 7th, 2007 at 6:36 pm and is filed under Bagel News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.