Beef Bagel

Be afraid, be very afraid. So says Chelsea big cheese Peter Kenyon, who is reportedly refusing to sell us Little Shaun because then we’ll be too good. I’m not sure if we should feel flattered or frustrated? Are we really a Wrong-Phillips away from greatness? Does that mean another would (A)du? Let’s take a bagel’s eye view…

…There’s a very strange stand-off going on between the North and the West of London. On the one side is rancher and black suited landowner, Peter Kenyon with his muscle from south of the border, Jose ‘The Special Gun’ Mourinho. On the other are the Sheriff Levy and Deputy Big Bad Jol. In the sit SWP, Pascal Chimbonda, Glen Johnson and lots of those little tied up money bags with dollar signs printed on the sides.

The sun is high, Mourinho squints at the sky as wipes the seat from his dripping moustache. Who will draw first? Who will walk away with what and more to the point, will anyone dare fire at all?

I’d rather back off with what we’ve got but I sense a glint in MJ’s eye that he might finally get his hands on a player he’s admired for a very long time. Little Shaun was looking tasty in a friendly the other night with a couple of excellent assists for Drogba but I still don’t fancy losing a solid player like Bonders and every time I looked at Johnson it would only be a sore reminder of what we lost.

Should some miracle occur and we have our cake and eat it, the man with the big fat wife himself, Ian Wrong, has said he’d gladly come and sit in the stands at the Lane…

“If my son wants to play for Spurs, I will support him playing for Spurs. If it means small-minded Arsenal fans saying I will not be popular at the Emirates then they are idiots. I am now a football pundit, I am a Londoner and I support all London teams.”

Firstly, he assumes that we’ll let him into the Lane but seeing as he just referred to arsenal fans as “small minded” it looks like he’s getting the idea. It’s fair enough to expect him to support his son in whatever he does but calling himself a supporter of all London teams isn’t too clever. I wouldn’t have such a nice taste in my mouth if I were a gooner reading that but then it’d probably be a lot nicer than the ordinary taste of faeces, Anne Widdecombe’s vagina and the tears of young children.

But as I say there is another option - that’s not in reference to Anne Widdecombe’s vagina, no matter how tough times are, there are always other options than Anne Widdecombe’s vagina, even her grandma’s - damn it I can’t get the thought of it out of my head. This paragraph is sullied.

Fresh thought. Freddy Adu. He has something of the Shaun Phillips about him and nothing of Anne Widdecombe’s vagina whatsoever. Look, here he is, entirely free of labia…

… and looking pretty damn tasty, once again distancing him from Anne Widdecombe’s vagina.

Did anyone catch Storyville on Sunday night? Excellent documentary on the National Soccer League with Pele, Carlos Alberta and Beckenbauer amongst others. Great story, beautiful 70s film footage. Anyhow, Freddy does have that same kind of Pele movement about him. Obviously, the kid’s never been tested apart from a two week trial with the Chewing Gum Machine quite a few years ago, and it’s a bit of a wonder what he’s been up to since that video was made.

He’s still only 18 years-old although for some reason everyone keeps reporting that he’s 22. Perhaps he was born in the same hospital as Obafemi Martins. Despite all the hype, no one has taken him out of the US as yet and his £1m price tag is alarmingly low. Man U didn’t want him and his previous owners, DC United, traded him last season to Real Salt Lake (hilarious name). So what’s going on? Is he no good? Light weight? Attitude problem? Injury prone? Surely not a bargain, not in this day and age?

And if you don’t think he can do it against a decent team, here’s him playing against Celtic…

…not too shabby. Funnily enough, Gordon Strachan’s one of those after his signature.

He’s 5′8″, 10 stone and did anyone notice how he was favouring his left? Here’s his head…

…with an all too naughty glint in his eye over a can of Campbell’s Soup.

A much publicised figure, who’s far surer to be moving out of the club than Adu is in (or surer still than any speculation at all regarding Anne Widdecombe’s vagina) is one Hossam Ahmed Mido. Yes, poor old Hossam the Wonder Horse has had just about all he can take and his humiliation is almost complete with a loan spell to Punchbag Face, Steve Bruce, and his newly promoted Birmingham City.

This is probably the best of all deals as far as we’re concerned. He’ll play well, he wont play against us, he’ll score goals against our competitors and he’s price tag should rise along with his fitness and form, with his weight moving in the opposite direction. Everyone’s a winner.

The deal may also see the controversial Hossam Ghaly move with him as well. He’ll be more of an asset to them than a loss to us.

The one we’re all waiting for, though, the real deadwood is Danny Murphy and there’s some vaguery in the press about a move for him to Wigwam. I’m praying it’s not a just the resurfacing of a webpage from the last time the Northern club asked for Danny’s CV.

The only downer of the day is that Beelzebub Benitez is stroking his newly crafted little beard in deep though over our young Leeds target, Danny Rose. We all wait with baited breath to see what young Danny decides. Still at least it’s better than the breath that wafts from Anne Widdecombe’s open legs.

Oops, that’s not your vagina. That’s your bagel.

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 18th, 2007 at 4:49 pm and is filed under Bagel News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.