Beef Bagel

It’s all about the fans today and I’m not talking about us. It’s about a Portuguese brother, a man who’s been a secret Spur for a very long time, a 34-year-old man by the name of…

Luis Figo.

Oh yes, so says a close friend of his:

“Luis has always had a soft spot for Spurs and would love to live in London.”

Would he now.

According to the People, Figo was all set to retire to a few seasons of beach football in Saudi but the £6m deal fell through. Bit of a bummer for his holiday plans. So instead, he’s weighing up his options and it seems we’re number one. Rather flattering isn’t it?

Bolton and Newcastle chomping at the bit to get hold of the Inter playmaker but despite Figo being the sort of dream that gets Big Face Sam sweating in the night and sticky in the morning, the Portugieser has said he will only play for us. I like him already.

Now, it’s not often we get to entertain the idea of having a Fifa World Footballer of the Year on our books, in fact we’ve never had one, so let’s take a closer look. Luis Figo, you ask? Who’s he? Well, here’s his head…

…playing I’ll show you mine if you show me yours with Zinedine Zidane. Sounds like a new game show.

He’s predominantly a right footer on the wing although he’s happy enough to play in the middle and good enough to play on the left if we were to ask. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this…

…no cigar admittedly but that’s an A for effort.

So do we want him? Well yes and no. We can stick him on the right, the left or in the JJ role. He’s not going to first choice but as back up goes, it doesn’t get much better.

He’s no long term solution and only barely a shot term one but I’m thinking of the Davids effect; a player to drag us up by the scruff of our necks to that next level we crave; a man who knows how to deal with the big time and knows how to get there. If nothing else, it’d be a pleasure to see him in a Tottenham shirt for a season. He may even add some of that ever useful international marketability for the club.

The downside is that he wants £60,000 a week. Never going to happen. Top whack at the Lane is £45,000 or so and there’s no way the board are going to break £50,000 for a part/old timer. We’ll just have to see how much he wants to play. It’ll also be interesting to see how a devout Catholic takes to 36,000 people pointing at him and shouting “Yiddo”.
If he does come we can officially get rid of Danny Murphy. He will then have outlived his use. “Who’s got a lovely wife, who’s got a lovely wife…

…Luis Figo, Luis Figo, who’s got a lovely wife?” Aka supermodel Helen Svedin.

I found another angle of this shot on a Chinese website, with the caption “Luis Figo and wife, Helen Svedin”…

…although I’m unsure which is which.

From the beautiful side at the back of the game (or is that the backside of the beautiful game) to an unquestionably dark and ugly one.

Now, this lady here is listed as Mrs Frank Ribery but somehow I doubt it unless The Beatles were right and money cannot buy you love.

The Bagel’s not one to take the piss out of a nasty car accident that the French winger suffered as a 2-year-old, even if it did leave him looking like the third Neville brother, chained up in the attic with only a bucket of fish heads a day to look forward to. No. He represents the ugly side of the game as there are serious links between Frank and arsenal.

Our North London but now more importantly, top four rivals need to made some big signings if they’re to maintain that gap between us and a man like Ribery would be just that. He’s good I mean, he’s really fucking good…

…now, there’s a winger.

But word has come through the ether that Real are going to leap in and save the day. And where does this come from? Right here baby, right where the bread is broken. For any of you Spanish speakers out there, have a closer look at Mr Rubén Uría’s blog. Let’s hope he’s right.

The fascinating deal for The Bagel today is the Darren Bentgate. The story is that he’s going to leave Charlton and Charlton are prepared to sell him. The two biggest suitors for the England striker’s signature are West Ham and our much better selves. Charlton want £15m and West Ham are offering more than we are but get this, he doesn’t want to go to West Ham or any other club for that matter. He wants to come to us; another Spurs fan.

Well actually, it’s not the club he admires, it’s Dimitar the Great. Bent said:

“West Ham have offered me incredible money but I’m convinced that Berbatov is staying at Spurs and I’d love to play alongside him, I believe we could form a great Partnership.”

It’s a little cocky what with Keano and the Little Yiddo already fulfilling that role but what the hell, I’m sure that’s the kind of selection headache that MJ would gladly though out his paracetamol to have.

The funny part is that knowing the deal’s in our favour, we’ve only offered Charlton £8m, about half what they want. They are not very happy and it’s all beginning to look a little like last year’s Chimbondabondagate. So we end up with headlines like:

“Charlton anger at Tottenham’s low bid for Bent”

Yeah? Well, The Bagel’s angry at Charlton anger at Tottenham’s low bid for Bent. Who the fuck do they think they are? They have no choice but to sell the player. I understand they want a little money after relegation but £15m? For Darren Bent? So, they want more than we paid for Berbatov? They want more than we paid for Keano and Defoe together? They want more than we’ve ever paid for anyone? For a player we don’t even need? Wake up and smell the fucking humus. He’s got Yiddo written all over him and they’ll be lucky if they get £10m.

They seem to have that idiotic mentality that fair’s fair and they deserve the money. Business is not fair. It’s a game with winners and losers and the fact of the matter is we’re holding the cards. Now stop whining and shut up.

The other striker option we were considering appears now to be all but closed. Alan Smith is willing to pledge himself to United, even if they’re not that keen on playing him. Good for him. He’s worked hard and had a terrible time and he’s committed enough to fight off the competition and prove his worth. He said:

“I am fit and ready to commit my future. I want to stay at United. My agent has spoken with the club and the talks should happen in the next few weeks.”

The only stumbling block of course is if United tell him to sod off. I doubt it though. Good luck to him.

Well Smith may not be a Spurs fan but perhaps Chimbondabonda is. According to the Mail, Levy & Co are set to tell Chelsea exactly where they can put that £10m they’re offering for our marauding full back and what’s more, Bonders seems quite content with that. How sweet, another happy Lilywhite.

At the same time, we seem to be looking at another option in his position or more likely a utility player. Here’s his head…

…no joke required.

This is Jose Bosingwa. He’s a 24-year-old Porto player who’s just won his first cap for Portugal. He’s around 6′1″, nearly 12 stone and can play right back, right wing or defensive midfield and it’s the last on that gets me interested. They say watching him run up and down the right flank for 90 minutes is a feature of games at the Estádio do Dragão and maybe that’d put him in good stead for a more central role in the harder, faster English game.

The best part is it doesn’t matter if he turns out to be a flop because he’s available on a free and comes at just £15,000 a week. He sounds worth a punt on a quiet week at Tottenham Towers as Comolli and Levy sit with feet up on desks having a paper aeroplane competition. Whoever’s next?

Flying bagel on a rocket-cycle?

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Monday, June 4th, 2007 at 2:37 pm and is filed under Bagel News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.