Beef Bagel

Well, that result has gone down about as well as the comment made by our stag of the weekend to the owner of both of Brighton’s “Gentlemen’s Clubs”. When the south coast porn impresario refused to give us a discount for the following evening, he was simply told, ‘Well, perhaps we’ll fuck your mother instead.’

The stag was grabbed by the throat, The Bagel and two of his friends were pushed flying over the club’s furniture in what was beginning to look like a Wild West brawl, by a bouncer that would’ve dwarfed Tom Huddlestone or perhaps even eaten him.

So, word to the wise there. Never mention sexual congress to a strip club owner at four in the morning, deep inside his own turf, surrounded by a room full of security with many doors between yourself and the outside world and far from any passing policemen, who let’s face it are probably related to the man you’ve just angered in at least three different ways. Secondly, never lose to a newly promoted club in their Championship strip, when you’re having a worse season than the previous campaign with a considerable number of fans already turning against you, unless you’re planning on winning the UEFA or FA Cups or both.

This is the first time I’ve read genuine articles rather than reactionary rants questioning MJ’s credentials and as much as I love the Jolly Dutch Giant, it would be foolish not to explore the subject. Let’s get one thing straight first. Ability-wise, our squad is good enough. One can niggle about ball winning midfielders and left footers but compared with many clubs and certainly the Doc and Bunjy years, we’ve enough combinations on paper to see us comfortably in the top half of the league and certainly winning more than the one game away all season. So let’s leave the players out of this, which leaves three people to take a look at…

Daniel Levy

Well, it’s always hard to tell exactly how effective the chairman of football club is. Their spheres of influence tend to differ from club to club and one never quite knows how much pressure they exert in the places, where perhaps they shouldn’t. But so far there’ve been no reports of Levy forcing anyone to buy certain players to add to his Panini sticker book or appearing down at the touch line in a sheepskin coat shouting ‘Channels!’, whilst trying to explain the finer points of give and go. All good so far.

We always seem to have plenty to spend. Again another tick, although this is more recently at the expense of fans and certain televised £50 plus ‘Category A’ matches.

Levy had the sense to hire Frank Arnesen, which is probably the best thing that happened to us in years. With Frank came MJ, Little Aaron, The Man Mountain, Michael Carrick, Edgar Davids, Michael Dawson (?) and many more, including the likes of Sean Davies, who never really got a run with us but regardless, was a player of great potential. Tick.

Financially speaking, we’re moving in a very good direction as one of the top twenty wealthiest clubs and each month we seem to be drawing up new deals for everything from sponsors and feeder clubs to new lines of more marketable clothing and Edgar Davids dreads and goggles set, now most likely available at rock bottom prices. Get ‘em while you can.

With a first class degree in economics from Cambridge University and whole bunch of positive moves in his reign so far, The Bagel believes we’re in very good hands. Next…
Damien Comolli

It’s fairly difficult to really judge our director of football as many of his signings have not had that first season, in which to bed in. They all show good potential but so far none have produced that wow factor that we’ve been hoping for. All that is except for Dimitar Berbatov. The Hungarian Hitman’s been worth every penny so far and his capture is no small achievement. Many an eight figure sum has been spunked away more carelessly than a teenager with his first jazz mag in the game of football before.

It is interesting that Dimitar the Great has hit the ground running when the likes of Didier Zee have not but then even Berbatov looks noticeably better on European nights. Perhaps that’s something we’ve got to look forward to on a regular basis next season.
Comolli has been accused by many of not being able to attract good young players but we’ll have to wait to see how Abel Tarrabt works out first, if indeed we ever get more than a 10 second glimpse of the player in reserve game highlights on Sky Sports News. Perhaps a visit to such a fixture is in order.

The Bagel was none too impressed with our capture of Danny Murphy, wild and rare creature that he is but that still kicks the shit out of our first signing of the Arnesen-Comolli inter regnum, Grzegorz Rasiak. So, I guess the bottom line here is, ‘No fuck ups yet,’ but we’ll have to wait a little longer to judge the man’s true credentials.

Martin Jol

Let’s get the man into perspective first and see what he has achieved for the club:

• Highest ever finish in a Premiership season and highest in 16 years (since 1989-90). (2005-06 season)
• First European qualification via the league in 23 years. (2005-06 season)
• Achieved the best home record for a season in 15 years. (2005-06 season)
• Lead Spurs to their first league victory over Chelsea in 16 years. (2006-07 season)
• Took Spurs to the round of 32 in European competition for the first time in 14 years. (2006-07 season)
• Took Spurs to their first domestic semi-final in 5 years (Carling Cup, season 2006/2007)
• The best concurrent home wins (league) in 13 years with 6 consecutive home wins in a row matching the 1992-93 season. (2006-07 season)
• The best concurrent home wins (all competitions) in 25 years with 11 consecutive home wins in a row, beating the previous record of 10 during the 1981-82 season. (2006-07 season)

Well, ok that’s…er….impressive. So really, it’s only our league form this season we have to complain about and that’s only in comparison to last season. That’s the rosy way of looking at it. Now I’m going to transform myself into an idiot fan for the other point of view. Don’t be alarmed and don’t discredit everything I say because I’m deluded and reactionary. Ok, here we go…

…I’m regressing…I’m devolving…I’m…I’m…yes…I’m beginning to slag off Jermaine Jenas…I’m calling Robbie Keane a pikie because he happens to be Irish…I’m booing Michael Carrick…I’m starting a fight with a fellow fan around me…I’m….I’m…yes…yes…I’m here…I’M A CUNT NOW!

RIGHT! WHO WAS IT WANT’ID TO TAWLK ABOUT THAT CUNT JOL? YOU! RIGHT. LOOK AT OUR SQUAD. WITH THAT ALONE WE SHOULD BE IN THE TOP FOUR EASY. THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR LOSING TO SHEFFIELD UNITED. THEY AIN’T GOT NO ONE. NO ONE! WE BOUGHT ALL THOSE PLAYERS IN THE SUMMER AND WE’RE DOING WORSE THAN BEFORE, YOU CUNT! SACK ‘IM! E’S LOST THE DRESSING ROOM! E’S LOST TOO MANY GAMES! E’S LOST HIS MARBLES! E SHOULD BE ABLE TO MOTIVATE THE PLAYERS! WHAT? DIDN’T FINK I KNEW A WORD LIKE ‘MOTIVATE’? I WARNED YOU NOT TO IGNORE ME JUST COS I’M A CUNT! I’LL FUCKIN’ KILL YOU!

E’S USELESS TACTICALLY! E DOESN’T INSPIRE THE PLAYERS! WHO ELSE’S FAULT IS IT? WE DON’T ‘AVE TIME! SACK ‘IM! SACK ‘IM! SA…AHHHhhhhhHHH…..BOdY REjectINg….AAahhhhhhh…

Sorry, there’s only so much of that I can take.

The cunt does have a point. It is most likely something that MJ isn’t getting right at the moment; whether it’s that other managers have got the measure of his Spurs or something he’s not telling the players or a degree of tactical naivety or perhaps a combination of them all.

Of course, there are the issues of the number of games and indeed match fitness. We’ve already played more fixtures than we did for the whole of last season and there may be an underlying level of tiredness, meaning that the players simply can’t manage to hit it 100% for the whole 90 and I’m sure there’s some stat about most of the Premiership’s goals being scored in the last ten or fifteen minutes of each game.

The opinions of the fans are largely irrelevant until you start seeing the banners on the terraces but articles like the one seen in the People start to make you think. We know that these hacks produce a steadier flow of shit than the horses outside the Lane on match day but you can’t mess with that whole smoke/fire thing.

“Spurs chairman Daniel Levy is rumoured to be unhappy with the team’s progress this season. He has told friends that the wage bill is higher than ever, yet the youngsters assembled by Jol are not competing at the level expected of them.”

In the same article, we’re told that Harry Redknapp is to take over the reigns or that of Director of Football after Paul Kemsley puts in a successfull bid in for the club in exactly the same way we were told on the official site that he won’t. So what difference would it make what Levy thinks of MJ if he wouldn’t be the supremo anyway?

The other inconsistency is the idea that Spurs would be a ‘dream job’ for Harry after we have repeatedly heard from the man that he’s very happy with his family living down on the south coast and exactly why would he want to leave Pompey on the brink of a European adventure anyway?

The only item of particular concern is the suggestion that MJ and Comolli barely communicate and that could both be true and very big problem. No point in buying players that MJ doesn’t want but then if it’s the big Dutchman who’s behind the rumoured moves for Viduka and Kewell perhaps he’d best keep quiet all the same.

All in all the key word here, as well pointed out by Toby the Yid is ‘Time’. We need to give it to MJ & Comolli, the new players to get used to our game, the papers need to give it to us until it’s clearer where we’ll end up in the table, until we’re out of all the cups and until we’ve actually made the mistakes of taking on a couple of cut price shazwozzas like the Fat Aussie Wanker and the physios’ favourite Kewell.

So for now, let’s leave the pains of the past and look forward to baking some piping hot humble pie for a few mouths out there.

Now for my new section, a little like the BBC’s football highlights program but with a twist, known as Cunt of the Day. Today’s COTD is…..Alex Ferguson:

“Tottenham were out of order showing replays at half-time of the penalty award that brought Ronaldo his latest goal.

Certainly it was a close call and therefore controversial, but I don’t think a club should risk inflaming the home support during a game.

Players get booked for over-celebrating a goal in the face of rival supporters, but Tottenham’s decision was far more provocative.”

Yeah. Because that’s the major issue. Wouldn’t want the fans to get excited, especially with all that police presence and having had no trouble with the Spurs fans for years. That’s much more important than say, the destruction of the game by cheats like Ronaldo. You know, wouldn’t want that to be exposed. What a cunt. He cheats and then accuses us of bringing the game into disrepute.

Next time I see him at the Lane, I’m going to switch his wizened little Scots nuts into his mouth, where he normally jams his gum and watch as he chews on the bloody lumps for 45 minutes before realising that something’s amiss but doubtless he’s forgotten any sensation down there, due to lack of circulation from being a tight fisted wanker.

Lastly, I’d like to speak of a matter non-Spurs. Well, that’s not actually correct. It’s a matter ‘all football’. Cube-headed Paul Jewell was left scratching, no screaming out of his geometric bonse yesterday as he watched his side go from three points to none in the space of 10 minutes. Now there’s issues upon issues in this one; Heskey’s penalty claim, the offside goal, the onside one disallowed and all this combined with our very own downfall at the hands of Cristiano Ronaldo. I’ve had enough.

The Bagel’s always enjoyed such contentious issues in the weekend’s games. What else would we all have to talk about in pubs and forums with out this fat to chew? I’ve always felt it was part of the whole appeal of the game, the pain and the pleasure, the heroes and the villains but enough is enough. It’s simply to much for any ref or linesman to cope with. It’s just not possible to get these things right and all it means is that the poor men in black are bullied into rash decisions by the bigger clubs as no doubt is encouraged by certain managers.

Take a look at the comments of Dr. Michael S Short . There’s everything to love about football if it’s played in good faith and without video replays the system’s just far to open to abuse. It’s time to get them in and start some trials and maybe soon Gary Neville, John Terry & co. will just have to keep their mouths shut and wait for trial by Jumbotron. It’s worked for cricket, it’s worked for rugby, now it’s time for the beautiful game to step out of the dark ages too. We won’t be able to stop footballers playing for a penalty but we can stop them going down without any contact at all and that’s a step in the right direction.

Here endeth the bagel.

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 13th, 2007 at 1:37 am and is filed under Bagel News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.