Beef Bagel

It’s not exactly looking wonderful right now as we sit at an equidistant 13 points from heaven and hell, that is, between the Champions League and West Ham and relegation. The positive way to look at this is that it’s nice and tight and anything can happen. The negative is of course that’s it’s nice and tight and anything can happen. One man who’s certainly one for the silver lining is Didier Zee. Check this:

“It’s going to be hard to grab fourth but we still believe in it. It’s crucial to always believe, especially since we still have many matches left.”

Wow. Fourth? I think many of us were just hoping for top 6 now but fourth? Well, if you say so Didier. I suppose if we win every game from now until the end of the season, excluding Chelsea away, we’d stand a good chance of a top four finish but…nah…with only 13 games remaining we’d need the likes of Bolton and the scum to go on some sort of terrible losing streak as well. Top 6 will do me this time around and that’s not going to be easy.

Having said that, Zokora is one of the key players, who could change our fortunes more or less on their own. Our forwards are functioning well when in possession and our wing play’s looking good with Little Aaron as lethal as ever (Patrice Evra aside) and Malbranque (groin) firing on all cylinders. It’s our soft centre that’s the concern right now. We get by at home but it’s crucial to take the middle of the park by the scruff of the neck on our travels away from WHL.

Home teams come out with a natural confidence that allows them the first of the ball and it’s up to the visiting side to take it off them and keep it; like that nasty old man next door, who did the same when we kicked the ball over his garden fence. I’m glad to see MJ agrees. He’s asking for more grit right now, actually pretty much as he’s done all season but this time, he has highlighted our engine room:

“Huddlestone is a great example. He is great on the ball but he has to win his battles too and the same goes for Zokora.

“We didn’t defend well against United and in midfield, we didn’t win enough balls.”

Glad to see we’re in agreement. So, if we all know what it takes, does that mean that those two players will deliver or is there an inability getting in their way? Well, Zokora needs to stay on his feet and stop playing for those fouls. We all saw what Paul Scholes got away with the other day and I’d like to think that was a wake up call for Didier but I’m thinking maybe he needs to take it more personally. A few opposition comments about his mother should do it. A little red mist may do our player some good.

As for the Man Mountain, it’s just bizarre to see such a leviathan not use his strength and aggression. He uses his size  alright and denies the opposition any physical access to the ball whilst at his feet but he needs to be able to take it off them as well. I wonder if he killed a man with a shoulder charge once and vowed never to unleash that part of his game again? Perhaps he’s like Dr. Bruce Banner without the need for the gamma radiation? “Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” Well, you know what Tom, we would.

Pace could be a factor. I haven’t really watched his speed. It’s fairly hard to judge when he can cover the field in about four steps. Surely though, he’s got the attributes of a ball winner too. Perhaps MJ should be sneaking a good does of anabolic steroids into their tea, the both of them. A little roid rage maybe just what we need. God, I’d hate to see the size of Big Bad Tom after course of steroids.

Meanwhile, our other midfielders are on England duty, or not as it turns out. Both Little Aaron and JJ have been sent home through illness and injury respectively. Yet another stomach bug, most likely that virus engineered by the Paedo, responsible for the West Ham fiasco and Lennon’s absence at the arsenal-arab airways, has seen the little man return to the fold, along with JJ and his continuing ankle problem, through yet another knock in training. Should we be upset? No, we should rejoice. They need the rest and frankly, who gives a rat’s arse about an England friendly? We’ve got a game to win on Saturday and I doubt many of the Sheffield United squad are going to be playing internationals this week.

The real shocker is that Robbo has been replaced by Ben Foster in the No.1 shirt for the country. Our keeper is reportedly shattered but if you look at the supposed starting line-up, you can see that politician MacClaren is trying a few new faces around the park. Robbo needn’t be too gutted but if he is, well so much the better. He’ll have something to prove at club level again and once more, the rest will do him good.

The fascinating news away from the pitch right now is that of Ronaldo and his filthy dive. Yes, it was a dive. Yes, Lee is furious, well as furious and vengeful as a devout Christian can get but it’s Spurs, who are in the dock. We may well be fined for replaying the incident at half time on the Lane’s Jumbotrons as is expressly forbidden by the FA.

Article 154.32C, paragraph alpha, chapter 7, verses 1-9 of the handbook states:

“The event of any contentious decision made during the game is not to be replayed at any ground in the Queen’s land so as not to incite any crowd to any passion/violence but more importantly to ensure that BSkyB have the exclusive rights for at least 6 hours until Match of the Day.”

The real one read like this (although I’m sure you’ll agree that ours is both more entertaining and accurate):

Clause 40 of Section I reads: “The screen shall not be used to show action replays of negative or controversial incidents” or “any incident which may bring into question the judgment of a match official”

Well, we’re off the hook then. The decision was neither “controversial” nor the judgement “questionable”. It was 100% clear to all an sundry that it was a dive. No debate, no “controversy”. The match official’s “judgement” is not in question at all. He is clearly wrong. Again, no grey area, no “question”.

The biggest idiocy of all is that the issue of whether or not to punish the original cheat is entirely ignored. I’m not getting all sanctimonious when Zokora did just the same agaisnt Portsmouth but to punish us over the incident, where we are the ones who have been cheated is lunacy. How about we just hire some Mosside City fan/hitman to break his delicate little legs. I think I could live with that. An eye for an eye. A dive for a ….leg…I’m sure it works on some level.

Now, I can’t quite believe it myself but we seem to be linked with player transfers all ready. We must be at the point furthest from any window but we get about one week off and suddenly there’s rumours flying round again. They can only carry about as much weight as Glenn Roeder but here they are all the same.

Keano to Villa in the summer time. Yawn, yawn.

Alexander Madlung. I’m not exactly sure what a mad lung does. Does it switch its policy of gas exchange and start taking in carbon dioxide and exhaling O2? Or does it jump out of the defender’s throat and try to choke the opposition players? Let’s seen if it’s visible near his head…

…well, he’s pointing to it and yes, he is in the throws of some maniacal laughter. It may well take over his brain in fits of rage. It could be a third lung. Guess where he hides it?…

…remind you of anyone?

Anyway, enough of the kid’s appearance. He’s 24, he’s a centre half, he’s German and he has a senior cap. I’m hoping that’s not of the four knotted hanky variety. He’s a whopping 6′5″ or with that telescopic neck of his can probably do some pretty good heading. He’s contracted to Wolfsburg until 2009 and it’s reported that Man City are after him as well.

And finally, I don’t know if I’m going mad but I think I saw a story linking us with Mark Viduka. I don’t seen why not. He’s just like Mido but Australian…on second thoughts.

“You’re just a fat Aussie bagel, fat Aussie bagel, you’re just a fat Aussie bagel!”

The Bagel.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 7th, 2007 at 12:56 pm and is filed under Bagel News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.