The Queen is a Yiddo
I was going to bring you the report from last night’s game but I’ve had to stop mid way through. I’m laughing too hard to type for any kind of sustained period of time and I have to tell you the best news of the day in case you don’t know.
Today is the official day of the royal visit for the Emirates Stadium. I should imagine the Queen’s P.A. was promptly fired after he/she didn’t come up with an acceptable excuse for avoiding the appointment in the first place, such as ‘Her Majesty will already have moved her bowels sufficiently by the afternoon’, ‘One’s Spurs and one knows one is’, ‘Shit ground, no fans’ or most simply put ‘Yiddo, Yiddo, Yiddo.’
All the same, booked in as she was, the Queen has managed to avoid what she privately described as ‘An fixture horriblus’ by feigning back trouble after a late fitness test this morning. So instead, Prince Philip gets a start while, Her Majesty is sidelined with a strenuous physio session consisting of rounds of good strong tea, some cucumber sandwiches and a few hours with her Sky + to catch up on some Corrie.
For those of you who think The Bagel is pulling your dough, tickling your crumbs, know this. The Queen has only cancelled 5 appointments in the last 20 years. They don’t say she has blue blood for nothing.
With the Duke of Edinburgh’s penchant for sticking his royal size 10 right in it, I can only giggle as to what kind of comments he’ll have come up with today. I can imagine him gritting his teeth as he is forced to shake the hands of a club consisting of “Frenchman and darkies or worse still, both” as he’ll probably put it to Liz later on over their bedtime coco. Some of his better lines include asking a Scottish driving instructor,
“How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?”
and the unleashing of another cultural gem in 1986, when he warned a group of British students in China,
“If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed”.
The Duke’s done a great deal for Anglo-African relations over the years as well, when he asked a Kenyan citizen on receiving a gift,
“You are a woman, aren’t you?” and suggesting to the Nigerian president on meeting him in traditional dress,
“You look like you’re ready for bed!” awesome.
His last known brush with political correctness was in 2002 when he asked an Australian Aboriginal,
“Still throwing spears?”
So, perhaps four years down the line, he may be ready for another gaff. I’m thinking comments about half-time snails, Arab stadiums or maybe again with the spear chucking. Only time can tell but what I am hoping is that whatever he chooses, it’s of the same calibre as perhaps my favourite of all, when seeing a badly put together fuse box in a Scottish factory he quite simply commented,
“It looks like it was put in by an Indian.” Brilliant. Long may he represent us all.
Enough having a laugh at the scum’s expense. Actually, there can never be enough of that but on sad note that makes me shake my fist at them, at us and just generally as I walk about the streets, according to the Daily Express we had the opportunity to sign Dennis Bergkamp when he first came England but instead we opted for…Chris Armstrong. No further comment required.
As for matters that actually concern us at the present, it was of course wonderful to administer a 5-0 drubbing to the MK Plastics. All goals from strikers, all in need of finding the net. Long may the habit last. The real bonus of the evening, though, was the subsequent home draw to League 1 outfit, Port Vale. I always remember Port Vale as the first cup upset when they beat us in the FA Cup in ‘87-’88, the season after we’d lost to Coventry in the final the year before. I’m thinking they wont provide as much of an obstacle this time, particularly with a squad full of ‘who’ and old boy Baby Face Tony Gardner in our Carling Cup ranks. Will he be gunning for his second ever Spurs goal? Here’s his crucial one and only against West Ham for y’all to enjoy over and over between now and then…
…ok, so I couldn’t find it but instead a bring you the next best thing but 23, The Razor - Natural Born Actor..
A right royal bagel.
The Bagel.
October 27th, 2006 at 9:08 am
Apparently the reason Queenie didnt visit the Arab Stadium is because she felt that one curly grey haired eccentric German pensioner at Arsenhole was enough already.
Ithangyall
October 27th, 2006 at 9:25 am
Some other P.P. classics:
To some Britons in Hungary: “You can’t have been here that long - you haven’t got a pot belly.”
To a student who had trekked through Papua New Guinea: “So you managed not to get eaten then?”
To a blind woman with a guide dog: “Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?”
To Tom Jones after the Royal Variety show: ‘What did you gargle with - pebbles?”
When asked for his secret of dealing with talking in public: “Never pass up the chance to go to the loo or take a poo.”
And my personal favourite:
To Lord Taylor of Warwick (who is black): “So, what exotic part of the world do you come from?” Lord Taylor: “Birmingham”.
Brilliant.
October 27th, 2006 at 10:16 am
Nice. Their embarrassment was most amusing when the plaque was revealed and still read ‘as opened by the Queen.’ Not sure why they didn’t save the blushes and just get Freddie Ljungberg to do it.
The Bagel.