International Stripes
You were shocked by Ireland’s 5-2 defeat to Cyprus, you were jealous of Scotland’s 1-0 over France and you were appalled by England’s 0-0 with Macedonia but the real story from the weekend’s internationals from The Bagel’s point of view was Hossam Ghaly, Mido and the rest of Egypt being held to a goalless draw by the Botswana national football team.
Known affectionately as ‘The Zebras’, despite the vertical stripes on their jerseys being blue and white, Botswana has never qualified for any sort of competition whatsoever. Their first foray into international football was in 1968 when they were utterly whipped by the nearby might of the fourth poorest nation in the world, Malawi, to the tune of 8-1. In their defence, this was a tricky away fixture, involving a pitch on a gradient of 3:1 and a punctured football. However, no such excuses were available in 1990 when their 32 years of experience led them all the way back to an even worse 7-0 trouncing by neighbours Zimbabwe on home soil.
So therefore ladies and gentlemen, understand the street parties that ensued on Friday night when this 100 plus ranked football team held the Champions of Africa to a goalless draw. You could hear the cheers from the sands of the Kalahari to the banks of the Limpopo. You could also probably see the blushes of the Egyptians as bright as the ancient Lighthouse at Alexandria.
So, if any of you out there feel upset by England’s draw against Macedonia…well…don’t. Besides, the real point of the game was that Ledley won man of the match and rightly so. It’s a wonderful thing to see our captian cooly muscling a striker of the ball or putting in a last ditch slide so smooth that the opposition forward only realises he’s been dispossessed when they go for goal and make an air shot. Rumour has it that Rio’ll still be first choice against Croatia but more fool them.
Robbo was looking, well, like he’s been looking all season. He’s not making any mistakes that count but he’s definitely making mistakes. I’m sure it’s the extra few pounds he’s carrying. I think some of the fat has taken root in his brain and actually sits between his neural pathways slowing the decision making down. Or maybe instead, it’s that while he has a bigger body, he’s still thinking like a thinner man and can’t quite cover the distances that he’s sure are possible due to the extra mass he has to carry. It may be time to encourage him to drop some of the blubber. We could change his song slightly and see if he gets the hint.
‘England’s No.1 and a half, England’s, England’s No.1 and a half!’ or maybe straight to the point with (to the tune of ‘Go West’/ ‘You’re shit and you know you are’):
‘You’re fat but we still love you, you’re fat but we still love you, you’re fat but we still love you, you’re fat but we still love you!’
A little harsh but The Bagel’s thinking that this dip in form must be nipped in the bud before Robbo considers it acceptable.
Keano’s confidence was none too improved either by the game that he described as the worst night of his footballing career. I couldn’t give a toss about the result myself but the fact there were seven goals scored and none of them by Robbie Keane The Goal Machine is a bit of a worry on top of his league tally of zero. Who has hidden our strikers’ boots I ask? Has someone sprayed them with Gooner juice? Did Tony Adams disappear midway through the first half against Portsmouth with vial containing two parts Keown sweat, one part eau de Van Persie and a dollop of Arsene Wenger’s ‘Initiation Juice’?
Look at that shifty face!
Another man who’s form is somewhere round the u-bend is the Little Yiddo, who by some reports will not be a Yiddo at all come January. O’Neill’s awoken Villa are hungry for strikers and there’s an apparent £7m been tabled for Jermain, who’s gone more stale than one of the bagels that rolled under the industrial oven 7 weeks ago. I could smell the thing and see the train of ants removing it crumb by crumb but I’d be damned if it wasn’t inches away from my outstretched fingers, no matter hard I jammed my shoulder up against the wall.
It’s just as painful an experience. You can see little Jermain chomping at the bit to get out there and score some goals but they’re just not coming. He’s so wonderful and we all still see little flashes of his genius when he turns a nothing ball with an inch of space into a yard and a shot at goal but what happened to the man, who skipped past about four Arsenal players to bang the ball into the top of the goal from the edge of the area or the man, who bent it round most of the Middlesbrough team and just inside the post? If I keep talking like this, it’s going to make me cry but I’m starting to despair a little. I don’t want him to go but if he’s not putting them away by January then it’s got to be the best thing for both him and the club.
It’s a good time to go to Villa as well, what with them being restored as the only top flight club based in the Birmingham area and the fact that people are actually going to the games now. That’s right, the ticket office was quoted as saying that they may even sell out a match this season, presumably due to people getting lost on their way to the Motor Show.
Even though no Tottenham players managed to hit the net over the weekend at least most remain unscathed. JJ was on the bench for Steve McBoredom’s team and seemingly not suffering after his knock in training. Dimitar Berbatov played a full 90 for Bulgaria, hopefully not aided by any ‘old school’ Iron Curtain medical techniques. Tainio’s out for a month after a hernia operation (always sounds painful to me) but thankfully it’s nothing to do with his legs and thankfully we’re more than a little blessed for cover in the central midfield area.
Fingers crossed we’ll have a mostly fit squad for Saturday and be the first team to put Villa in their rightful place, i.e. mid to lower table mediocrity. You remember it, we were there for ages.
But the bagels, they are a-changin’.
The Bagel.