Beef Bagel

I am typing with one hand. The other has been stuck to my head for the last 20 minutes. I’m queuing. I’m making slow progress. The drippy hold music is driving me crazy and each of its repeating dreary phrases is a cruel reminder that I’m paying 50p per minute for the pleasure. No, this isn’t a sex line. I don’t have some sort of waiting fetisch. I am, in fact, on the phone, trying to get through to the Tottenham Hotspur ticket office. Switching ears.

I’m now number 26 in line. Could have sworn I was number 15 when I started but then I’ve aged a great deal since then. My memory’s not what it was when I first picked up the phone so long, long ago now. ‘Why is he bothering with this antique method of ticket purchase?’ you ask yourselves and well you might. Well, today members and season ticket holders may buy guest tickets for their friends. Nice, eh? The trick is, you can buy the extra seat on line but you can’t move your own seat next to them unless you speak to the one, partially deaf, arthritic operator they have working inside some dusty old cupboard of a call centre deep in the bowels of WHL. Number 23. It’s maddening.

If I wedge the phone carefully between my ear and shoulder, I do have a little freedom for a few seconds but seeing as my phone is only wafer thin, it does leave me in danger of developing a severe crick in my neck and crimp on my life. Back to one hand. But my friends, one hand is all The Bagel needs to bring you the news of the day and fill your world with juicy, hot mustard.

Despite my best protestations, I did end up watching the England football game last night, purely out of withdrawal, if nothing else and the game only went on to reinforce my disappointment with the national side but at least we had some Spurs players involved. So, what did we think? Well, typically Jermain didn’t see enough of the ball with the majority of the passes to the front lobbed in at head height, which of course is all very well if you’re 6′7″ but not so hot if you’re 5′6″. If you don’t get the ball to his feet, there’s not a lot he can do.

Robbo did the job but still makes me a little nervous when he plays for England. Doesn’t quite look like the rock solid presence he is for us for some reason; Frank Lampard syndrome most likely. Number 18. Little Aaron was a little marvel as ever when he burst onto the scene with a few good runs and some sort of crazy instant 180 turn that my eyes couldn’t quite resolve, when he won back a ball, that he had looked like he lost.

The other player of interest was Stewart Downing and I’m still not convinced. A left winger would have been nice by the close of the window but I’m not sure I’d be thrilled by his arrival at WHL. What else have you got Stewart? Impress me. Make me beg.

Number 14. I’m not sure if I’m caught in some sort of temporal loop, if the papers have reprinted an old issue or in fact Edgar Davids is one of those dolls with string in his back, that can only say one of a very few phrases? Yet again the bedreaded Dutchman is talking about how we have to grow up and step up and shoot up and all that kind of jazz. Not that he’s wrong. We do. Number 11. I’m just not sure how practically speaking, the players are supposed to achieve this? Should we take their teddy bears away, make them earn their own pocket money with a savagely early and underpaid paper round? You tell us, Edgar. You tell us.

The one piece of true interest, aside the fact that I’m close breaking point with this fucking phone line, oh number 6! The other operator must have turned up. Yes, one fresh cut of juicy news is that Spurs are about to start talks with our one and only Martin Jol on a new contract. I’m sure there won’t be any problems there. We all want him to stay. He clearly loves it here and despite interest from overseas I think it’s safe to say that he’s Tottenham till he dies.

Woa, got to go. I’m through.

Er….something witty,

The Bagel.

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