“Julio Cesar Pereira Baptista or just plain old Baptista to you and I. This man needs very little introduction. Brazilian, more or less enough said and somewhere between an attacking midfielder and a striker. The man affectionately known in Spain as ‘The Beast’ or in Brazil as ‘El Autro Sam Allardyce’ is six foot tall and about the same across. I’m not going to show you his head firstly, because you know it and secondly because I don’t think I can fit it on the page.

Ourselves and stadium hopping neighbours were linked with Brazilian big ‘un a season or so ago before he moved from Sevilla to Real. He himself is very happy at Madrid, despite being more or less assured that he has very little future there. So how can we tempt him to London? Wonga. He’s on £20,000 a week at the mo and our top earners get pretty much double that.

It’s hard to say whether he’d fancy it or not or come to think of it, whether we would. There’s a good chance he’d bust our transfer record and although highly rated, he’s not quite what we’re in need of right now. His best role is not as the big man striker but he could provide a little welcome competition for JJ, a lot of strength in the box and strike fear into the hearts of our opposition. Also, I love idea of our supporters donning goaty leggings, 666’s and horns in his honour.”

I hear you on the Mido deal but as long as he’s striker number 4, he can do what he likes with his pastry cravings, so long as he’s there as back up for when we need him. If he’s really that bad Lee Barnard will give him a run for his money. Anyway, he’s only 23. It won’t be dead money.

Very disturbed to hear your doctor’s advice. Isn’t he aware that a Bagel can form a normal part of a healthy diet. In fact, it has just been suggested by the British Food Board People Thing that you should have 5 portions of fresh Bagel a day. I’ll do my best to provide.

Has the Bagel heard tales of repeated bidding for the one they call ‘The Beast’?

Am I the only one who is a tad nervous about the whole Mido deal? - will he be the ‘1st-half-of-last-season Mido, or the ’slightly-fatter-and-crapper-sssh-don’t-tell-uncle-Martin’ Mido?

Oh, and yes, here’s to a speedy recovery from Mr King, perhaps a beefBagel with extra calcium to help those Bones..?

Just got the news that Mido’s back. No player trade involved, just the cash. How long do you think before he gets pissed off at being playing second fiddle to Berbatov?

Just like the Miss World competiiton, I will start in reverse order…

I agree with your comments re:Carrick. Spot on there.

As for the transfer talk, well the papers love us more than the terrorists at the moment. I dont believe everything I read, and I cant wait until someone firmly shuts and locks the transfer window and throws away the key.