Beef Bagel

I woke up this morning to find myself covered in footballs. Now, hold your imaginations a second. Don’t waste your time picturing The Bagel resting gently on his pillow under a mountain of bladdered leather spheres, including one carefully placed for modesty. No, you see, what I’m referring to are the results of finding a certain piece of stationary in a friend’s office, the scene of an impromptu after hours mini party. Actually, I think there’s been a chemical equation written about it:

2 Idiot Football Fans(s) Booze (l) Football rubber stamp (s) = Body covered in indelible ink footballs (s) Hangover (g)

Still could be worse. Could’ve woken up with a tattoo of Sol Campbell on my face.

So, feeling fresh from a nice comfy display the other night, we can once more take the time to look at our remaining transfer interests. The story of the day is the resurfacing of our link to a certain Middlesbrough player, a trip down memory lane or in fact this case, Downing Street. See what I did there?

Yes, once again this saga rears its ugly bore of a head. I can’t exactly recall how many bids have been passed back and forth and frankly I don’t want to. What you need to know today is this. After apparently saying, ‘no way, not a chance, over my dead England career,’ Gareth Southgate says he’s ready to listen to an offer for the coveted lefty. Having previously turned down an offer believed to be in the region of £12m, it’s said they’re looking likely to accept £8m. Yeah, not sure how that one works either.

Stuey boy himself has said he’s ready to make a move; again a quick turn around from 2 weeks ago when he said that he couldn’t possibly leave the town where he grew up. Perhaps he’s actually taken the time to look at these other cities when they play away from home. That’s right Stuart, it is normal to have webbed feet.

Another suggested reason for this turn around is the emergence of a ‘Boro youth player called, Adam Johnson. He’s an England U19 capped player and surprise, surprise, he’s a left winger. Here’s his head…

…and his name in large letters, which he goes nowhere without; very clever marketing ploy.

We should buy him instead, just to piss them off. He’s not as big as Downing but three years younger and maybe, just maybe, he’s a nippy little fucker rather than a dull old crossing machine. Anyone seen him play?

You see perhaps we can buy Johnson as cover and get Luis Boa Morte instead of peg leg Downing. He may be ex-scum but his heart was never in it. I’m a big fan of Chris Coleman, for his Chelsea beating ways if nothing else but he may lose a friend over this one. Obviously, he doesn’t want Fulham’s only real talent to go so, although he hasn’t actually been talking numbers, it’s going to be in the £10m region to get a piece of the Cottager’s Portugeezer and once again we’re held to ransom.Apparently, this price tag was based on the sale of some absolute who to some entirely insignificant club (not Arsenal) for £5m. Well, Chris it may just be that he was overpriced. Either way, it looks like Mr.Coleman may have gone to the Paul Jewell school for economic studies and come to think of it Gareth Southgate may have been an exchange student there for a while too.

Whoever we get, it looks like we’ll be spending the same sort of money, so what do you lot think? I’m going for Luis. He’s the same kind of zippy player as Lennon, which could give us some nice and lethal balance to our side, a pincer movement of pace, if you will. What’s more, I’m still unconvinced by Downing. He may turn out to be some sort of Beckham junior and as good as he is/was, that’s not really the sort of football I want to watch. Also, Boa Morte’s got a much cooler name. It sort of sounds like death snake or something.

Our old friend Mido’s back in our headlines as well. Portsmouth are the other side in for the slightly portly striker so there could be a pitched battle over this one. When I say pitched battle, I actually mean that Harry’s ready to spend the £5m that we wont pay, so he’s more or less theirs. Take it or leave it Ahmed and fingers crossed Berbatov makes it through the season.

I do have one fresh one for you today my bagel fiends. Actually, it surfaced yesterday but those match reports can get a little epic. Roma have another reject they’re trying to unload. This time it’s the Ghanaian centre half, Sammy Kuffour; another good name. Here’s his head…

…obviously taken on his victory in the ladies singles at Wimbledon.

At 178cm he’s got to be one of the shortest central defenders in the business but he’s 30 in a couple of weeks and looks as though he’s got some experience in him, which is probably what we need at the back just now.

I’m not too fussed about this one myself. It’s nice to have cover but I think Davenport’s got a lot of potential and it’d be a shame to take away his chance to grow.

Although not strictly Tottenham business, there is another matter of Spur on Spur action that must be mentioned. Have you seen Ben Thatcher’s challenge-some-clothesline on Pedro Mendes from last night’s game. Jesus. The word they usually use is pole-axed. Poor old Pedro had a seizure and has only just been released from hospital and is still under very careful neurological surveilance, whilst Basher Thatcher only picked up a yellow for his flying elbow.

As I understand it, red is the colour for dangerous play. How much more dangerous would they’ve liked the challenge to have been? Perhaps if he had used blade or taken of his boot and bludgeoned him with the heel? You’ve got to see the footage. It gets worse every time. For me, it’s the way Thatcher surfs the body into the hoardings. Horrible stuff. The Police are looking into it, I shit you not.

Finally on a completely non-football angle, I feel it my duty to let you know that in today’s biggest news of all, Pluto is now officially now longer a planet. Prepare for pub quiz chaos.

I’ve bageled, so I’ll finish.

The Bagel.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, August 24th, 2006 at 4:17 pm and is filed under Bagel News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.