Beef Bagel

It’s all over. It’s official. Send back your season tickets, tear up your membership cards and cancel your subscription to Sky. Martin Jol has conceded the Premiership title to Action Man Mourinho and his New Model Army. It was obviously a very hard decision to make at this stage of the season. It must have been the fact that we’ve got no points as yet or perhaps it was the rumours that Andy Reid may be leaving the Lane.

Yes, it’s true. You heard me. Ex-scummer Niall Quinn is looking to add some ‘class’ to Yo-yo FC and apparently he thinks the Fan in the Shirt is the man to do it. To be fair, Pie-man Reid did used to play decent football outside the Premiership, so perhaps he’s right. Anything to get him off our books.

The only downside to this £5m offer is that it is said to be for both Reidy and Calum Davenport. Now, although Calum hasn’t exactly blossomed, we do need cover. The Bagel’s not ready to lose him. I’m not convinced we’ve even measured his potential just yet and the beginning of this season gives him some good space to prove himself. Cometh the hour, cometh the man? You tell us Calum.

One man who’s stepping right up to the plate, spitting tobacco into the dust and kicking it square in the Catcher’s face is Dimitar Berbatov. ‘I came here to develop as a player, to become stronger and stronger…I saw how they (last year’s squad) played, how they score goals. I think we can play better.’

The Bagel loves the way this guy talks. First he says he going to score more than 20 goals, then that he’s going to fire us into the Champions League and now that he’s going to go from strength to strength. It seems he more than just looks like Andy Garcia. Let’s hope he stops short of calling Robbie Keane a stinking Irish pig though. I’m chomping at the beef to this guy in full Premiership action.

Another man getting himself close to the Bagel’s heart is Didier Zokora and all he had to say was three little words, ‘I snubbed Arsenal’ and apparently he did! And it had been a boyhood dream to play in the big leagues with his buddies Toure and Eboue. He talks of the ambition at Tottenham and how we wanted him more but personally, I like to believe it was the ritual buggery and half time felching sessions that help put him off a carrier at the most incorrect of wrong London clubs.

One thing the Bagel hadn’t realised was that we bought him for £8.2m. I was sure that the amount had been previously ‘undisclosed’. Until this week I hated this ‘undisclosed’ thing. ‘Why should they be allowed to keep it a secret from us,’ the Bagel thought, ‘we help finance the club, we have a right to now how our money is being spent?’ And then I realised. The non-disclosure is not from us but from other clubs who can then force us to pay over the odds for certain full backs.

The comment that really pissed me off from Paul Jewel on this matter, as he rejected our attempted palming off of Reid and Murphy was, ‘Don’t forget not many clubs were keen to take a chance on him this time last year.’ What the hell is that supposed to mean? Yes, your player has gone up in value. Yes, he was a great find. Yes, he was a bargain. So what? Do you want a fucking medal or something? Would you like to be on the Queen’s New Years honours list? To Paul Jewel from Queenie, congratulations on doing your job properly, hope you enjoyed the cucumber sandwiches.

The good news is that it should all be wrapped up shortly, if, that is, any football agent is to be believed. Speaking of which, I met one at a wedding the other day. He represents Mido. Anyone want his mobile number?

Finally, I must let you know that your Bagel will be away for a week. The bakery will be closed for business until at least Wednesday but do come back next week and be sure to find plenty of fat to chew. Oh, and pens and pencils at the ready, salt cellars and ketchup bottles on the table tops and get the pints in for endless pub talk because it’s nearly time to open the floor on the best starting XI.

Have a good break and wish the Bagel one too.

The Bagel. Over and out.

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