Beef Bagel

I’m such a sucker for football programs. I can’t help it. As I’m writing this, I’m stuck in front of a top 100 goal extravaganza. In fact, it’s taken me forty minutes between the last two sentences. I only managed to continue because the program ended. Right, I’m switching off. That’s better, now you have the undivided Bagel.

Now, where were we? Ah, yes! Pascal Chimbonda. Don’t know why but I always feel like his name should continue a bit like Pascal Chimbondabonda or something. It’s like you just get into the swing of it and then it ends. Hmmm…reminds me of something else actually. Anyway, so Paul Jewel’s find of last season has issued a further cry for help. Like a damsel in distress locked in the tallest tower of JJB Castle he’s let down his hair for the attention of any passing knights of ‘big clubs’ as he and his agent have put it. Don’t we feel smug. The really amusing thing about this latest statement from Chimbondabonda’s agent is the way he says and I do quote, ‘We believe £3.5 million is fair price for Pascal after Wigan only paid £400,000 for him last year.’ Hello? Yeah, I’ll sell you my house for £250,000. It’s worth £1m but I bought it for £100,000. It’s only fair. He must have Monty Brewster for an agent.

Looking at our right back options though, we do certainly lack a real class player but before we get into the usual slagging so often sorry to the Bagel’s eyes, let’s get something straight. Stalteri is not that bad. I hear a lot of moans and groan about this stalwart player and far to often from my girlfriend at the strangest moments. He’s not fast, he’s not skillful but Sunderland away debacle aside, he did a good job for us last season. It’s just that these days we are rather spoilt compared to the squad of only 3 or 4 seasons ago. Right back is a weak position for us but let’s not take it out on poor Paul.

The other option here after the departure of Stephen Kelly, is Phil Ifil. This kid’s been on the fringes of the squad for quite a while now. He always looked a little nervy to me but like a sapling in the rainforest, perhaps this is just the break in the canopy he needs. We’ll see or maybe we won’t. That’s up to Paul Jewel, Pascal and Sir Martin of Jol and his Lillywhite steed.

Of course the other option in this position is slightly more out of leftfield. Well actually, more out of rightfield, right midfield to be precise. By all accounts, Wayne Routledge has been doing some sterling work back there in pre-season. This is all very well against Bumblefuck FC but will this do the job in the Premiership and will Wayne be happy to do it? Consequently, eyes have been raised across the land and rumours are surfacing from Watford way and even Charlton too. What would you do if you were him? We’ve a packed out midfield and the hottest kid in town right in his spot. He’s got to be ruing that injury at the beginning of last season.

Ok, here we are. I have to talk about it. The Carrick Saga. The Red Faced Scotsman must be reading the Bagel’s words because at last it seems, he’s using some serious bait; the man, the legend, the Horse. Ruud’s move to the continent has taken a suspicious pause as Fergie appears to consider him in some sort of deal for one or two of our star men. There are very few true poachers out there and the Horse is one of the finest examples I know. He is a goal machine and what’s more, he hates the Arsenal. It makes me tingle just to think about it. As it goes, I’d still much rather keep Carrick and Defoe, particularly as gaining van Nistelrooy would make the £10.9m spent on Berbatov slightly redundant. The other thing of course is would he come? The Horse is a Champions League player, a thoroughbred and as much as I’m loathed to admit it, just now we’re a little step down. Don’t ever quote me on that.

The plus side of the story is that Jermain Defoe has come out and said in interview that firstly, Michael Carrick is very happy at Spurs (big sigh of relief) and just as importantly, the little Yiddo is doing all he can to persuade him to stay. Now that is sweet music to my bready Bagel ears. I’ve always loved Deofe. Break him open and he’d be blue and white inside…and dead unfortunately.

On the home front, or away actually, it is indeed most pleasant to read about another clinical dissection of another lower league team in pre-season affairs. This weeks suckers, the Conference South’s very own Bishop’s Stortford FC. ‘The Bishops’ as affectionately known by their fans, were gently mauled by a Spurs XI, rather in the same way Killer Whales bat seals to one another with their tail fins. The scoreline, 8-1. The best bit, the ‘1′ was on own goal. It may have lacked in sport but it did give Lennon and Jenas a chance for a run out to stretch those World Cup legs, much to the dismay of ‘The Bishop’s’ players, I should imagine. To quote Warden Norton from the Shawshank Redemption they’ll ‘Feel like they’ve been fucked by an express train.’

It’s hot here in this Bagel oven.

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