Mirror, Mirror on the wall…
I love the Mirror. Now when I say love, I mean the kind of love that makes me want to flay them slowly out on the street in the midday sun and sit in the comfortable shade, shaking salt at them, whilst enjoying a pink gin; their whimpers and snivelings like a sad but beautiful close harmony to my ears. A kind quick tempered, bunny boiling, Glenn Close kind of love is what I’m talking about. Hate, yes that’s what it’s called, hate.
It wasn’t just that they were the first “journalists” to bring me the double bad news of the day, it was the way they reported them as certainties that really got my goat and Michael Carrick and Damien Duff are two goats I like very much indeed. So first, I read that Duff has signed for Newcastle, yes actually signed. The very £10m that we were not willing to spend, apparently. But to add insult to injury, they claim that he would prefer a move to the North East! If this is correct, I can only assume that he wants to be nearer to friends and family in Ireland. The only other possibility is that he wants to go to a club, where he can be by far and away the best player, adored as a god by the fans, rubbed in gold leaf every time he goes into town with his every celtic mumble hung upon as a word of wisdom and be absolutely, 100% guaranteed a start for every single game of the season. He always struck me as a rather modest chap.
Now, where the Mirror get this information from I don’t know. He hasn’t had a medical and his agent is only just on his way to meet megalomaniac Freddy Shepperd today. Do they have psychic reporters over at the Mirror? Perhaps they are not a trashy tabloid and in fact an incredibly progressive newspaper with a new policy for employing clairvoyants and who knows, soon maybe witch doctors and soothsayers to spend their days in their nice open plan office, rummaging through the entrails of dead animals by the coffee machine trying to see if Bolton put three past Everton? No, I’ve got it! It’s a departmental exchange program. This weeks Mystic Meg is doing the sport. Go round there. I’m sure she’ll be there with the place covered in chintz, talking in an incredibly vague and round about manner.
While I’ve been writing this, it turns out Liverpool want a piece of Duff as well. This is starting to feel like a race we may not win. Newcastle have beaten our offer. We can up that but Liverpool have got Champions League to tempt him with. Hold hands with a Tottenham fan and pray. Pray that we start offering the serious money Chelsea want and pray that Duff doesn’t want to leave London because if we don’t get Duff, who are we going to get?
As for episode 16 in the summer saga, the Mirror (love ‘em) have reported, far too early this morning for my liking, that Mikael ‘Fish Face’ Silvestre is the latest carrot on Fergie’s rod. That’s a horrible thought. £16m plus Fish Face to be precise. Sure, he’s a good player and he’s young but please, just piss off. Enough we want to keep Carrick. The really bad news is that our would be saviour, Patrick Vieira (I know, bizarre isn’t it?) looks like he’s going to stay in Italy and go to Inter. So, no doubt Fergie’ll be redoubling his efforts to sign our man. I wish he’d use some bait we’d actually want, like the Horse or Rooney. Unlikely, although van Nistelrooy’s move to Madrid seems very much in doubt now that Bayern Munich have waded their German boots in. Not quite sure we can compete though. Errr…bit of UEFA cup Ruud?
On the positive side, Villarreal are prepared to release Sorin (still sounds like malt loaf to me). According to their club head honcho, ‘His sale is almost certain.’ I wouldn’t assume that means he’s coming to us but I reckon we’ve got a good chance on this one and even if we don’t, Wayne Bridge is back in the frame. If Chelsea do indeed get what they want and this time they probably will, then old Bridgey will have Ashley Cole and maybe even Roberto Carlos to contend with. Come on Wayne, time to get your career back on course and get the hell out of Stamford Bridge. Doesn’t matter where you go, just get out and the same goes for you Shaun Philips but you can come to us.
Even if none of the nice big players come our way this summer, the Bagel will not worry and don’t you worry either. Clive Allen has tipped the four of his league winning reserve side to break through this year. Lee Barnard, Kieran McKenna, Jamie O’Hara and Charlie Lee are the lads in question. A forward and three midflielders, in that order. Anyone happen to know there’s a left foot amongst them?
Here endeth the Bagel.
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