Beef Bagel

I’m a bad person. I am. The news flash of the hour is that Dean Ashton has just broken his ankle in England training and I can’t help but smile.

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On a day piss poor for transfer gossip, it seems a perfect time to open the can of worms that is the first choice starting XI for this very, very soon coming season. Now, before we get started, here are the rules:

Rule No.1: I want a nice clean debate. No nipple twisting, eye gouging or calling anyone’s mother a Gooner

Rule No.2: No using of players that are not actually part of the current Spurs squad, Clive Allen included

Rule No.3: The 3rd Kit may not be used in your imaginations or otherwise

Rule No.4: All contentious selections, formations and omissions must be explained

Rule No.5: Current injuries can be ignored

Rule No.6: No player can appear more than once on the team sheet, even though all we want is a team of Robbie Keane

So here we go…

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How does it work exactly? We hear rumours of certain players, old and young, linked with moves to our beloved club and then a voice out of nowhere denies it. Is there a number we can call or do they just come out onto a balcony on the Upper West Stand and proclaim the news to the passing residence of the Tottenham High Road? Or indeed, does Daniel Levy dress up in a white linen suit and a panama, survey his plantation on Bill Nicholson Way and declare that the Man from Del Monte says no?

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It’s not that I hate Andy Reid. I don’t. It’s not his large frame or his lack of success on the field for us. In fact, I enjoy the way he looks like a fan who’s found his way onto the pitch. It gives hope to us all. What I don’t like about having the man of a thousand pastries at the club is the temptation to play him.

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Yes, the Bagel is back and although not what I would call rested but certainly a little more golden brown than usual. I expected to come back to some huge movements in the transfer market; great rolling waves like Kuyt to Liverpool, causing cascades of Kewell to us and ripples of Le Tallac to Watford and even the odd parting of the ocean as Chelsea lay down £500m, 2 helicopters, 700 barrels of north Russia’s finest, 12 dozen Kalashnikovs and the crown jewels in attempts to sign Ashley Cole, Ronaldinho, the entire Brazilian national team since 1970 and all current professional football players plying their trade anywhere in the world, in order to give themselves a better chance of Champions League success next season. But no. What do does the Bagel come home to see? Geoff Horsfield’s gone on loan to Leeds and Djimi Traore moving south to baffle Luke Young et al with his, quite literally, mad skills.

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It’s all over. It’s official. Send back your season tickets, tear up your membership cards and cancel your subscription to Sky. Martin Jol has conceded the Premiership title to Action Man Mourinho and his New Model Army. It was obviously a very hard decision to make at this stage of the season. It must have been the fact that we’ve got no points as yet or perhaps it was the rumours that Andy Reid may be leaving the Lane.

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